2009- in hindsight

earlier this year i learned that anyone is capable of anything and that as much as you try wish it away, it doesn't change that when people fuck up, they usually fuck up bad

learning this lesson the first two weeks of the year sucked. so many emotional and relationship things happened this year that has really changed my outlook and perception on who people really are. i'm not upset. i'm not bitter. i'm just more knowledgeable. 90% of the people i adored on Jan 1st of this year totes fucked everything up and killed our friendship. the remaining 20% made my life awesome and worth every second of it's existence.
from bullshit with chris to the toxic vibes with alex to the bullshit that happened when dominique left, my life was turned upside down. i moved- twice. i found a home for my pet cat and then ended up getting a new pet bc being without a cute and fuzzy isn't a way to live. i've cussed out exboyfriends and stayed away from past lovers. the only thing i haven't done this year is create a new bf or exboyfriend for myself. lol. granted, this isn't necessarily exciting but its nice to know that 09 went by without another lost/doomed relationship. .... i guess.

Am I a Cynical Bitch?

I read all of these things "men have written to the women they love" and I just think, "... you're full of it." I believe in love. I truly do. But I'm finding a hard time seeing the existence between desperation and bullshit.
I went out dancing last night and this guy must've told me he loved me like 20 times. Clearly, he felt rather lucky to have kissed me and he kept telling me how great my smile was. It was very sweet but I don't take the L word very lightly. I also had an old friend tell me last week that he's yet to have a spark with someone like he has with me. There's chemistry, yes. However, as attractive as he is, he just doesn't do it for me. He called me today to ask me out dancing and added that I take priority over his friends for the moment. A very sweet gesture, I'm sure. But still, I'm just.. I don't know. Maybe I am a cynical bitch.

Accepting Change

I'm listening to a song by Mana called Tengo Muchas Alas. It's a song about a guy having ambition and drive and about this person not liking him for who he is and rejecting it. I have 100% been this girl. I have 100% rejected people for who they are or who they are morphing into. It's not something I've done purposely but I lose interest in people when they change too much from who they used to be. I'm okay with people growing but I won't lie, I've been the girl to "ignore" parts of someone because I just don't like it or refuse to accept it. As shitty as that as, it's the truth. ..

So The Universe IS Listening!

Earlier this week, on Monday, I got back in touch with an old friend. This friend of mine is uber hot and not too smart. Granted, why should he need to be? He does a good job of scooting by on his looks. What he finds entertaining I find boring, what he find exciting I find dull, his new and shiny discoveries are things I've known of for years and have lost their luster.. and so it goes.
We made plans to hang out today and watch a movie- Namesake, in case you were wondering- and I think to myself, "Ooh. Maybe I'll have sex!" So I got excited. Last I remember, Sergio was a little rough but workable. I also remember other details not fit to publish on the interwebs.. but lets just say I had a reason to be excited.
Anyway, so I'm talking to a friend last night and I think, "hrm. Maybe I don't want to have sex. Does he expect sex like I did?" and I start to list of the reasons why I shouldn't have sex with this guy and loosely decide not to. Or rather, I decide to sleep on it and decide in the morning.
I wake up this morning and I'm far too sleepy to know what to do or what to plan. I sign online and chat with a friend and while chatting I say, "Maybe I won't. I mean, the whole reason I went celibate was so that the next person I shared pillows with was someone I had an emotional connection with and Sergio is not that person. I think I'm going to hold off." and INSTANTLY after I say that my phone rings. It's Sergio. I pick up laughing,
"Hey, what's up?"
"What are you doing?"
"I'm chatting with some friends."
"Oh. Okay. Hey, listen, can I take a rain check? I'm not feeling well with my studies. I think I need to study more. Is that okay?"
"Yeah."
"Can we do this another day?"
"Maybe"
".. Maybe. heh. Okay. Well, I'll talk to you later."
"Okay. Bye."
"Bye."
So we hang up and I immediately IM my friend that I was talking to. "Dude, you're not gonna believe it. It's like the universe was listening. The second after I told you that, Sergio called to cancel. It's like the universe was like, No? No secksy time? Then I guess you'll be fine without Serg." haha