Angie Says....

in between the sheets

2010-06-06T02:50:00.003-04:00

we're not getting in between the sheets cause i like myself better when you're not in me.
we're not playing hanky panky, we're not finding ourselves in this predicament.
and although you're very charming and i know that you must live up to your reputation
included with your status is a little thing we call isolation.
i don't want to find myself hurting over you.
and i won't find myself aching for you.
something tells me that you'll never come for me, be with me, cherish me when i'll need you to.
and you're good on paper, but what is paper when reality is what we're into?
"tell me that you'll shape up for me" is something i won't ever utter to you.
my history is nothing something i'm willing to converse or lay on the table.

we're not getting in between the sheets, we're not finding ourselves in this predicament.
we're not going to pretend that this is anything more than it'll ever be.
and by letting you hit it, my dear, this makes it something way more serious.
cause i just don't do casual and you're not one to settle down for this.

so thank you for your attention, i really appreciated the entertainment.
and thank you for stopping when i asked instead of using and abandoning.

2009- in hindsight

2009-12-16T23:08:00.002-05:00

earlier this year i learned that anyone is capable of anything and that as much as you try wish it away, it doesn't change that when people fuck up, they usually fuck up bad

learning this lesson the first two weeks of the year sucked. so many emotional and relationship things happened this year that has really changed my outlook and perception on who people really are. i'm not upset. i'm not bitter. i'm just more knowledgeable. 90% of the people i adored on Jan 1st of this year totes fucked everything up and killed our friendship. the remaining 20% made my life awesome and worth every second of it's existence.
from bullshit with chris to the toxic vibes with alex to the bullshit that happened when dominique left, my life was turned upside down. i moved- twice. i found a home for my pet cat and then ended up getting a new pet bc being without a cute and fuzzy isn't a way to live. i've cussed out exboyfriends and stayed away from past lovers. the only thing i haven't done this year is create a new bf or exboyfriend for myself. lol. granted, this isn't necessarily exciting but its nice to know that 09 went by without another lost/doomed relationship. .... i guess.

Am I a Cynical Bitch?

2009-11-16T02:25:00.002-05:00

I read all of these things "men have written to the women they love" and I just think, "... you're full of it." I believe in love. I truly do. But I'm finding a hard time seeing the existence between desperation and bullshit.
I went out dancing last night and this guy must've told me he loved me like 20 times. Clearly, he felt rather lucky to have kissed me and he kept telling me how great my smile was. It was very sweet but I don't take the L word very lightly. I also had an old friend tell me last week that he's yet to have a spark with someone like he has with me. There's chemistry, yes. However, as attractive as he is, he just doesn't do it for me. He called me today to ask me out dancing and added that I take priority over his friends for the moment. A very sweet gesture, I'm sure. But still, I'm just.. I don't know. Maybe I am a cynical bitch.

Accepting Change

2009-11-12T13:22:00.002-05:00

I'm listening to a song by Mana called Tengo Muchas Alas. It's a song about a guy having ambition and drive and about this person not liking him for who he is and rejecting it. I have 100% been this girl. I have 100% rejected people for who they are or who they are morphing into. It's not something I've done purposely but I lose interest in people when they change too much from who they used to be. I'm okay with people growing but I won't lie, I've been the girl to "ignore" parts of someone because I just don't like it or refuse to accept it. As shitty as that as, it's the truth. ..

So The Universe IS Listening!

2009-11-12T13:00:00.002-05:00

Earlier this week, on Monday, I got back in touch with an old friend. This friend of mine is uber hot and not too smart. Granted, why should he need to be? He does a good job of scooting by on his looks. What he finds entertaining I find boring, what he find exciting I find dull, his new and shiny discoveries are things I've known of for years and have lost their luster.. and so it goes.
We made plans to hang out today and watch a movie- Namesake, in case you were wondering- and I think to myself, "Ooh. Maybe I'll have sex!" So I got excited. Last I remember, Sergio was a little rough but workable. I also remember other details not fit to publish on the interwebs.. but lets just say I had a reason to be excited.
Anyway, so I'm talking to a friend last night and I think, "hrm. Maybe I don't want to have sex. Does he expect sex like I did?" and I start to list of the reasons why I shouldn't have sex with this guy and loosely decide not to. Or rather, I decide to sleep on it and decide in the morning.
I wake up this morning and I'm far too sleepy to know what to do or what to plan. I sign online and chat with a friend and while chatting I say, "Maybe I won't. I mean, the whole reason I went celibate was so that the next person I shared pillows with was someone I had an emotional connection with and Sergio is not that person. I think I'm going to hold off." and INSTANTLY after I say that my phone rings. It's Sergio. I pick up laughing,
"Hey, what's up?"
"What are you doing?"
"I'm chatting with some friends."
"Oh. Okay. Hey, listen, can I take a rain check? I'm not feeling well with my studies. I think I need to study more. Is that okay?"
"Yeah."
"Can we do this another day?"
"Maybe"
".. Maybe. heh. Okay. Well, I'll talk to you later."
"Okay. Bye."
"Bye."
So we hang up and I immediately IM my friend that I was talking to. "Dude, you're not gonna believe it. It's like the universe was listening. The second after I told you that, Sergio called to cancel. It's like the universe was like, No? No secksy time? Then I guess you'll be fine without Serg." haha

Boston Anniversary

2009-10-21T23:59:00.004-04:00

Today makes exactly five years since I moved to Boston.
In my time here, I have:

lived with a boyfriend
lived with 9 different women
lived in 5 different apartments
lived in 4 different neighborhoods
held 8 positions in 3 different jobs
started and graduated from school- on my own dime
and met more people than i can even account for

The lessons and memories I've learned and gained here are endless and immeasurable. The people here in Boston are absolutely fantastic. They are genuine, passionate and don't waste time. It is true that we here can be "massholes," but what is also true is that once you gain a friend here, you gain them for life. I'd rather have the few best friends I have now for life than have many quick friends that don't last over time.

Happy Anniversary, lover.

Father/Daughter Letters

2009-08-29T15:39:00.004-04:00

Below is the correspondence between my father and I. If you ever wondered why I absolutely adore my father, this should clarify why.

Me: 8.29.09

8:34 AM

Subject: Good Morning

Body:
I think.
It's raining and Ted Kennedy's funeral is at the Basilica down the street from my apartment. It's a real shame. The one public servant we had. =(
I have to go to work but this song has been stuck in my head for days now.
http://citrussun.tumblr.com/post/174662242/yes-because-what-i-needed-to-do-was-to-wake-up
It's a beautiful song... I just would love it if it didn't make me cry every time I heard it.
angie|ruth

Dad: 8.29.2009 9:15 am
Subject: Good Morning

Body:

A PERSON WITH WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALITY.

Corazon Tierno.

Mente Suelta y Rapida.

Sentimientos Tiernos y definidos.

Desicion Propia.

Son personas que gozan todo a lo maximo porque tienen capaciad de reconocer todo en cada momento,pero

tambien a la vez subren mucho por lo mismo,

La capacidad de entender las cosas como son.

No toda persona goza de ser asi ,no todos estamos hecho con el mismo principio de entender y respetar las cosas como deven de ser.

Es por eso que habemos muchos que no nos importa nada ,tampoco nos toca nada de nuestro corazon ,que quizas a otro le llega a lo mas profundo

A muchos le molesta el cantar de un pajarito a otros nos facina.

A muchos le molesta que la briza le alborote el pelo ,a otros nos agrada el toque en nuestro rostro.

Muchos vivimos la manera que uso un ingeniero en construir una carretera o un musico en hacer una cancion.

la inspiracion,el sentimiento,el amor es algo que no lo tenemos todos

Hay que dar gracias a DIOS que algunas personas tienen ese make up.

Saves que a mi me consta que tu tienes mucho,un corazon dulce ,buen entendimiento ,decision propia,inteligencia,

constructiva,celos propios y buenos ,te sabes cuidar,sabes reir ,gozar ,respetar.

entonces porque no puedes llorar ah ,si eso es parte del make up.

te quiero y te exorto a que no cambies ,tu sabes muy bien lo que hemos vivido por parte de la arrogancia

entonces que mas te puedo decir.... te felicito por ser asi llora todo lo que quieras que no son muchos los que pueden llorar

porque no todos tenemos ese sentiiento tan bonito !!!

Te quiero y te admiro,

Tu Papa........ahh

.Carla se parece mucho a ti...
pero esta vez no quiero que llores me immagino verte reir,y reir, verdad...fave funn.

the mind vs the heart

2009-08-29T08:48:00.001-04:00

i should make an illustration for this

the mind vs the heart

the mind: he's a jerk. he treated me badly. i hope i never talk to his douchey-ass again!!
the heart: god i miss him.

Fly On The Wall -- work in progress

2009-08-04T16:19:00.000-04:00

There's a fly on the wall and he's watching my every move.

You're thinking he's dangerous cause he's got more insight than you do.

He's watching my manners. He's watching the way that I groove.

It's not like it's anything different. Yeah, it's nothing new.

But you act like it's the first time you've seen me.

You're awkward with some sick hesitation.

And maybe I should pay no mind to this

but another thing ignored seems to add up quickly with you.

You are so mindless.

You are so ignorant.

I swear I'm a broken record around you.

How long will I have to forgive all the dumb shit that you do?

The first time I met you, I sized you up and knew instantly

That you were too weak and couldn't hold your own with me.

And maybe I'm a fool for wanting it any other way.

But I guess we found that's how it would stay.

And you hide like a boy

behind your mother's long skirt.

You sound like a retard

Hoping not to be a jerk.

You're too scared to hurt

and it's become such a turn off.

I wish you'd grow some balls.

Or better yet, fuck off of here.

The Dream Come True

2009-07-20T02:16:00.001-04:00

Oh. You walked into the room and
your eyes looked over mine.
the room just fell silent and
you were epitomized
as the moment, the person who
could change my life.

You were everything I dreamed about and more.
You are everything I idealize
You are welcome into every corner
Every second and ounce
of my life.

Do-do do do-do-do-do- do do
Do-do do do-do-do-do- do do
Do-do do do-do-do-do- do do
Do-do-do do-do do

If I didn't dream you
I might as well have
Your manners, your laughter
your crazy little past.
I wouldn't change you for
a thing in the world.
And I am so grateful to be your girl.

Do-do do do-do-do-do- do do
Do-do do do-do-do-do- do do
Do-do do do-do-do-do- do do
Do-do-do do-do do

Do-do do do-do-do-do- do do
Do-do do do-do-do-do- do do
Do-do do do-do-do-do- do do
Do-do-do do-do do

2009-06-23T23:48:00.001-04:00

Zipcar: wheels when you want them. Learn more.

more room to grow

2009-06-12T01:05:00.003-04:00

i've got a problem with being dependable.
its something id like to change
and its no ones fault but my own
don't worry, honey. i'll take the blame.

the last time that love came around here
she bored me to tears
she gave me a man who's maturity was well below his years.
the time before she gave me sugarplums.
a man who sure was sweet to me
but every time i wanted or needed him
i might as well be dating misery

who do you call when ur loved ones are nowhere to be found?
who do you call when ur lonely and i all i want is to lay you down?
i'm not promiscuous. i'm certainly not whore.
i'll tell you if you really want to know,
every day i want a little more.

the first man that i talked to
had a good way of letting me down
making out with his ex and bringing me left over chocolates.
i said no but he didn't listen and i found myself being another statistic.

who do u trust when ur lovely trust ones always seem to invade your space?
who do u run to when there's no one to run to cause you've forced yourself to be independent.
who, who, who have you become?
once upon a time you were easily trusting and now you don't trust anyone at all.
is this really what being an adult is?
and if so, tell me, how do you teach your future kids?
this seems to be a ridiculous cycle,
one i'm sure that was started so long ago.
and now i'm going to walk away, now. i know i need more room to grow.
more room to grow.

My new year

2009-06-11T03:31:00.003-04:00

Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 24. Happy New Year to me!

I'm feeling very calm and thankful. I have a lot of work to do. I want to start school in the fall and I want to make my work environment a better place. Its a lot to tackle. I think I'm ready again.

<3>

a girl can dream

2009-06-02T23:57:00.003-04:00

a girl can dream that you will love her

a girl can dream

a girl can dream that you will find her

a girl can dream

a girl can dream you'll say you're sorry

a girl can dream

a girl can dream you'll fix your errors

a girl can dream

a girl can dream you'll find out what's wrong

a girl can dream

a girl can dream you won't do her any harm

a girl can dream

a girl can dream you'll make her smile

a girl an dream

a girl can dream you'll stay a while

a girl can dream

a girl can dream you'll kiss her back

a girl can dream

a girl can dream it didn't end like that.

a girl can dream

Moving

2009-05-31T03:29:00.004-04:00

Today I moved. How exciting, right? Wrong! Moving is one of the most stressful things you can do as a human being. The process of packing everything up, weeding out what you really need and what you keep around for God-knows-why is debunking.

I ran around all day today trying to do everything. I felt like I had zero hold on what the fck I was actually doing. I spent a lot of today on the phone- headset, of course- with my best friend telling her about how defeated I felt. It was just so stressful and hard on me to pack my sht and move it to where I needed to go. The idea that I could fit my entire life into a car is bullsht now. Before, when I was a recent HS Grad, I could fit everything I owned in my little 1997 Plymouth Neon and these days I have to run back and forth, at least 10 times, in my effin rented Matrix (Zipcar, of course.)

It was just so exhausting and I'm so glad I'm done! Now I have to a. pick up my new bed frame, b. somehow find a box spring mattress for under $150, and c. unpack my life. I feel so scared about everything because its so new. I need to find that little voice in me that reminds me that its scary cause its new and that the anxiety I'm feeling isn't anxiety but excitement! Ah. Just writing is made me feel better. =)

Well... That was my day. Moving. And crying.

Many thanks to Christine and Cassie for helping me move. =)

... and Maureen for letting me cry over the phone.

2009-05-25T14:50:00.003-04:00

I've been trying my hardest for weeks now not to lay it on too thick or flip out or get too excited. Truth is, I'm screaming joy inside. Victor and I have been getting along better than ever before. Seriously, we've never gotten along this well and it's made me internally jump for joy. It's so fucking nice. Every time we talk I'm laughing and if I roll my eyes its because he said something so obnoxious and ridiculous that I'm impressed and endlessly amused.

Like I said, things have never been this easy and it's not being overlooked in the slightest way. All we can both say to each other is, "this rocks. it's never been this easy." ::sigh:: I'm so satisfied with this.

In other news, I desperately want to kiss him and move to Cali and throw this life behind but.. yeah, that won't be happening. I've definitely made a good life for myself here and although I could leave and not regret it, I just don't want to yet. I just wish he'd come here! lol. We can rotate coasts, right? He's here for the summer, I'm there for the winter? God, that would be SO cool! lol

backlash

2009-05-18T00:21:00.003-04:00

i thought that this may tear me apart

and i, i thought that you, you had my heart.

and maybe i'm rude, maybe i'm unkind.

theres a possibility and i'm fine.

i let you kiss me. i let you do it in the comfort of your bed.

i let you fool me. i let you take your time when i knew i wanted to

move forward. move backwards. move anywhere from where we were.

i want to move sideways, sway beside you.

i wanted to, i wanted to, i wanted to

to love you.

well a girl can get herself broken

and its really not all that bad

every time i let you fool me i think about all the good times we've had.

you know that i'm honest with you.

i tell you everything.

i thought you'd be honest with me but i found that things aren't so equal.

oh.

i don't regret hurting you.

i don't regret leaving you.

i don't regret walking away from something that held me for no reason.

you held me for no reason.

and maybe you wanted to take your time.

maybe you weren't so sure

maybe you wanted to take your time

maybe you, maybe you

maybe you

maybe you lost me, lost me

for the last time.

when it all comes down to it

i can only realize that it doesn't

matter anymore

cause if you wanted it

you'd have it

you would've gotten it.

and if you want it

you can't have it

cause i waited long for it.

and maybe the next time you go around kissing girls

you'll think, hmmm, you'll think

hmmmm i hope you think

that maybe you should watch yourself.

love.

mlf

2009-04-23T00:21:00.003-04:00

The chances that you read this are so slim to none. A year ago things were so different. I felt like we were two peas in a pod. I felt like I would know you forever. I felt. This year you're dying to leave here and you just can't wait to get out of here and be back home. This makes me really sad. I haven't gotten to do half of the things I wanted to with you and every time you talk to me I feel like you force it. I'm bummed out about how relieved I feel that our schedules are so different because this means I don't have to see you as much anymore. This means I don't have to share that awkward space anymore. You don't care, hun, and please don't act like you do. It isn't hard to see how much you're forcing it. It also isn't hard to be offended with your shitty side-comments so you can stop making those, too. I'm honestly really tired of it and I'm angry and hurt so please end the shit.

Thanks,

-em

i hope you dance

2009-04-15T18:33:00.005-04:00

When I was 17 I lived in a small town in Central Florida. That town has since gotten bigger and more commercialized. The main stretch was along the nearest highway that cut through the town. 192. If you've been to Disney World, Sea World or Universal Studios chances are, you've driven through or spent time in my home town.
I remember desperately waiting to get out of that small town. I remember how repressed I felt and how desperately I needed to spread my wings. I remember telling my father I was moving to Boston and him begging me to reconsider. With all options available to me; a young bright girl with ambition, dedication and the talent to speak more than one language. With the strong foundation my parents laid for me, I moved to Boston when I was 19.
The day of my graduation felt like any other ordinary day. I remember my boyfriend at the time getting me a little turtle plush and a very nice watch from Kenneth Cole. It was our first month anniversary. Weeks earlier, a friend of mine dedicated a song to me and it is a song that will forever stay in my heart and undoubtably brings me to thankful and bittersweet tears.
This blog is dedicated to Rosa. A friend that knew me well enough to give me the space I needed and who will forever check in on me to make sure I'm okay. A friend who has more strength, kindness and perseverance than any worthwhile man has given the time to acknowledge and appreciate.
I love you and thank you so much for everything. You've affected my life in such a way words cannot describe.

weedy girlfriends

2009-04-15T02:08:00.002-04:00

i was on the train this morning when i witnessed a girl get confused and upset at her boyfriend. they both filled out some questionnaire for school and he said he would smoke weed. this girl was so cute. so southern and naive. she looked at him, utterly confused and a bit shocked, and asked, "really? but its illegal!"
i thought it was cute. and for the record, it isn't illegal. it's been decriminalized, mofos! hahaha!!

train understanding

2009-03-20T00:36:00.000-04:00

this is most definitely what its like to ride the train in the city.

silver lining

2009-03-19T11:27:00.000-04:00

this song is somehow making me feel slightly better about the information revealed to me this morning.

so.. i want a baby?

2009-03-19T09:52:00.003-04:00

i dreamed i bathed a baby in the sink last night. my kitchen sink at home. i'm not sure if this baby was mine but it wasn't really a question in my dream. baby didn't call me mommy but.. i casually held it like it was mine.

interpretation::

Baby
To dream of an extremely small baby, symbolizes your helplessness and your fears of letting others become aware of your vulnerabilities and incompetence. You may be afraid to ask for help and as a result tend to take matters into your own hands.To dream that you are dipping a baby in and out of water, signifies regression. You are regressing to a time where you had no worries and responsibilities. Alternatively, it is reminisce of when the baby is in the fetus and in its comfort zone. In fact, some expectant mothers even give birth in a pool, because the environment in the water mimics the environment in the uterus. It is less traumatic for the baby as it emerges into the world. So perhaps, the dream your search for your own comfort zone.

Bathing
To dream that you are bathing someone, suggests that you are seeking a closer connection with that person. It also points to your nurturing side

Home
In particular, to see your childhood home, your hometown, or a home that you previously lived in, indicates your own desires for building a family. It also reflects aspects of yourself that were prominent or developed during the time you lived in that home. You may experience some feelings or unfinished expression of emotions that are now being triggered by a waking situation.

Sink
To see a sink in your dream. represents your feelings and how you control your emotions. You may need to cleanse yourself of past feelings and start fresh. Consider also the common phrase "everything but the kitchen sink" which refers to a situation where you have almost everything that you can possible want or need. The symbol may also be a pun on "sinking" or drowning

Mother
To see your mother in your dream, represents the nurturing aspect of your own character. Mothers offer shelter, comfort, life, guidance and protection. Some people may have problems freeing themselves from their mothers and are thus seeking their own individuality and development.

To dream that you are having a conversation with your mother, denotes a matter that has preoccupied your mind and you are not sure how to deal with it in your waking life. It indicates unresolved problems that still need to be worked out with your mother.

Kitchen
To see a kitchen in your dream, signifies your need for warmth and spiritual nourishment. It may also be symbolic of the nurturing mother or the way that you are caring for your loved ones. Alternatively the kitchen, represents a transformation.

okay okay! so i want a baby! yeah? and what? I'm a 23 year old woman who wants a baby and a husband and a house with a dog! and an amazing job with a great company! so what? so I want a baby. Doesn't mean I can have one. Just means I want one!
also, it doesn't help that the night before i dreamed i was having sex and the night before that i dreamed i was pregnant. ::sigh::

2009-03-18T12:11:00.002-04:00

alright. i know this is my outlet and i know i talk a lot. in reality, i don't like to complain. i don't like to have things to complain about but i keep getting them anyway.
today is the big day, or at least it was suppose to be. today was the day where i sat down with my friend and basically told him the things i'd been holding back (insert apathetic eye roll here) except for the fact that the piece of shit (i'm sorry but all guys are) didn't respond to my email telling him what worked best for me. hasn't responded to my texts or called me back. i'm not gonna fucking chase you, dude. i told you i felt like you didn't want a fucking friendship with me. you tell me i'm wrong. and you're really fuckin proving it right now, right?
thanks for that.

write off.

So What if I'm an Early Planner?

2009-03-15T23:40:00.002-04:00

My birthday is in June. June 10th to be exact and I couldn't be more excited for it. In the past my birthdays have sucked. They really have. Last year I got into a nasty fight with a friend on my birthday that then led to our falling out. The year before that I got into another fight with my then best friend's boyfriend which kind of killed the greatness that had happened the whole day. Though, I will say that spending one's 22nd birthday on the beach in Clearwater, Fl, loved ones included was pretty fantastic. Mother making me my favourite dinner and topping it off with a cake that later got thrown in my face, my nephews face, my mom and my other best friend's face was priceless. So I guess I have to scratch that. Not all birthdays have sucked but a lot of them, especially the one's I've experienced in Boston, have sucked. It's no ones fault (except for Randy. Him ruining my 23rd was most definitely his fault. He was being a jerk. I don't take back anything I said that night.)
I walked Boston's Gay Pride Parade on my 21st birthday- in the rain. I remember being very annoyed, not that it was raining, but that my friends had bailed on me. I still think about this everytime I see my friend Claudio. I think about how hurt I was that he totally disappeared but, whatever, you move on.
Anyway, so the story is this: I just found out that Strawberry Season in New England is in June. How fantastic?! Strawberry season in Florida is.. now actually, so I have memories of the county fair and strawberry festival association in my head- not of my birthday and strawberry association in my head. =( However, it is very exciting to know that I can take my birthday off from work, rent a car and go pick strawberries for my birthday. I can do all of that, get back into the city, and go out for a nice dinner with my favorite people. How exciting?!
Okay Chris, I take it back. Maybe this year won't suck.

Anticipate

2009-03-14T00:18:00.005-04:00

I've never held on to something this long. It's not like me to not get over something like this. I've gotten over a lot. I've been able to brush off a relationship and be with someone new in two weeks- literally. But this isn't the case. Not right now. I didn't anticipate that you'd hurt me, at all. I didn't prepare because I didn't think it was possible. I didn't think you'd ever, ever be the one to hurt me and you've damaged me to such ends that I find myself turning down your invitations and dying inside over it. You handled me so poorly that I'm unable to move on. I'm unable to brush you off and because of this I'm also unable to trust. Unable to believe. I won't be able to be with anyone for a long time now. I won't be able to trust any man, whether or not he looks me in the eye, for a very very long time now.
I miss our friendship. I miss hanging out but even then it was always with your incredible entourage and I'm not into big groups; I like one on ones and apparently you're not into that unless in includes massive amounts of alcohol...
I think what bothers me even more is that you haven't given me not one shred of proof that you actually want a friendship with me. You really haven't. I've gotten no calls, no emails, no text messages. In fact, the only time you text me is if I text you first. Really? Really? Is it really like this? Because when I look at that I think, "Why bother? Why strive for a friendship that only exists out of convenience... for you?" Because Lord knows it's never been convenient for me. I've trekked to your place multiple times and you've seen my place... once, maybe twice. That's pathetic and a real shame. It's equal distance both ways and even then, really hun? Really? I guess I'm just... I thought you had better character than that. I thought she'd raised you to be stronger than that. It really hurts me to see that. I thought so highly of you and you just, you let me down. I didn't think anything of you that wasn't reachable. I didn't think impossible things. I thought you were great. I thought you were sweet and charming. Humorous and noble. I thought you were genuine but I'm second guessing that and it makes me die a little inside to say that outloud. I thought you stood on your own feet and, you may correct me if I'm wrong, but I think you think too highly of what your friends say. I think you rely way too much on their opinion because as someone once told me, drunken words are sober thoughts and I won't let myself believe that you said what you did because "it sounded right." If it felt right then there's a reason for that and you should think about that the next time you kiss a girl that's been pining over you for months on end.

fake friendship

2009-03-13T23:18:00.003-04:00

i bet i wouldve liked you when you were younger. before you started being artsy and covering up your mistakes. before you started pretending that your past didn't happen and the only people you hid things from were your parents, not your friends. thats what i think about when i go through your photos. i think about how cool you must've been when you were fully honest about who you were. i feel like we've faked a friendship and even though i genuinely care about you, it'll never matter because we'll never be close again. and although what i said changed everything about our friendship- the dynamic, the feel, its existence- i don't regret saying it because it needed to be said. you were faking it and you were drowning. i know youre not my biggest cheerleader anymore and even though it makes me sad to not have you on my side, i've gotta say it wasn't that bad of a move. sure, i miss you but i don't miss the you that pretended to have it together. i miss the you that was true to the grit. i miss the you that slapped me out of my shit-phase. the you that knew the breakup was necessary, not the one that dragged it on.
i hope youre well and
happy st paddys.

Cutting Back or Cutting Off

2009-03-13T15:43:00.002-04:00

Still unsure but as they say, I'm taking it one day at a time.
I've decided that I need to cut back on drinking and smoking. These vices aren't going to get me through much; they'll just make me substance dependent and it kind of makes me sad. I found myself drinking more than I expected when I was home and although enjoying a few 'ritas with my mom was fun it also seemed a little tragic that I found myself drunk at the ripe time of 5 in the afternoon. I found myself waking up from my Food Coma/ Alcohol Nap thinking, "I really gotta stop doing this." I remember seeing my mother drink as a child and frowning upon it because she always thought she was better than I saw her as. In the sense that she was drunk and driving with an 8 year old in the passenger seat. I don't want to be this person. Granted I don't have a car here in Boston but the idea of Alcohol Dependency is enough to scare my into moderation. Also, they say Alcoholism is genetic and I wouldn't want to find myself acting upon those genes. It doesn't mean I'm cutting drinking out but I have a liver and a budget to think about.
As for cigarettes, this is the first time I write about it. I like smoking. I like the taste of my Marlboro Menthol Smooths. I like the packaging. I like my cigarette holder. I like how I feel when I have a cigarette in hand but I really dislike how much it clogs up my lungs. I hate how much more I spit and how my intake rises whenever I'm stressed. I should be running at the gym or in my therapist's office when I reach these points instead of standing outside of my job, in the cold, frantically lighting my cigarette.
I still crave them and whenever I see someone smoke I try to imagine that they're blowing bubbles instead of, you know, taking a drag out of something I find more delicious than I should.
Anyway, we'll see what happens and like I said, I'm taking it one day at a time. I still carry my cigarettes with my in my purse and a lighter for easy access but it feels good to know that I haven't smoked since the beginning of this month.
In other news, my book writing is on hold and I'm trying to just focus on me for a while. Still haven't spoken to the men that screw me up and if you ask me, I think I'm doing a really good job of planning and setting myself up for success. Love Energy to all.
-em

keep it loose, keep it tight.

2009-03-12T11:30:00.001-04:00

i feel like everything in this song is gorgeous and accurate.

scope

2009-03-11T11:41:00.000-04:00

Wednesday, Mar 11th, 2009 -- The metaphysical sunshine has returned and it's nice to feel optimistic about yourself and your current plans. It's as if you have been freed from heavy chains that prevented you from following your dreams or even thinking about them. Soon you won't have as much leisure time. So, enjoy yourself as much as possible, but don't lose sight of where you ultimately want to go.

pretty accurate, i'll say.

disregard

2009-03-09T01:58:00.000-04:00

i wrote this song for my exboyfriend joe

[03 May 2008 | Saturday]

Disregard

You treat me with such disregard.
I care for you. I'm black and blue.
But nothing makes you happy.

I turn around, I fight the gun
I'm urged that I should run and go
But nothing makes you happy.

Every day, it's all the same.
I try for you, you never care.
Cause nothing makes you happy.

And I walk,
And I walk,
And I walk a thousand miles to be with you.

If nothing makes you happy
Then maybe
You should go on, you should go on.
Find another love song.

If it will always stay this way
I disconnect, I disconnect
cause nothing makes you happy.

You think I always write for you
But lately it's been someone else
cause nothing makes you happy.

scope

2009-03-08T14:09:00.000-04:00

Forecast for Gemini
by Astrology.com

March 8, 2009: As soon as you start your day, you'll start to see new possibilities -- and you'll feel more and more confident about taking a few risks this time. There is a light shining on you now, and it's like a guardian angel protecting you from people who don't think the best of you. You won't fall for their lines and they won't succeed at distracting you, no matter what tricks they pull. You're starting to recognize who the most important person in your life is -- you.

thought you quit

2009-03-08T10:29:00.000-04:00

em: still drunk ffrom last nite
nicole: still not wanting to work at starbucks in 30 minutes
em: i thought you quit
nicole: i thought so too
and then
the RECESSION HAPPENED
lol
em: lol
nicole: yeep
gahhhh

dying for this

2009-03-07T15:38:00.001-05:00

seriously...

boston

2009-03-07T00:32:00.006-05:00

my favorite part of going on vacation...

.. is coming home.
i love this city.

oh yes!

2009-02-20T02:56:00.001-05:00

and p.s. i saw He's Just Not That Into You. Totally cute and awesome movie that everyone should watch... twice! I want to go see it again. I also want to go see Confessions of a Shopaholic. yeah.. in case you haven't noticed, I'm a girl. ;)
oh, yeah, and five people got laid off at work. i'll blog about it later! goodnight!

four days

2009-02-20T02:26:00.002-05:00

in four days ill finally be in home sweet home. ill finally be in florida. im so excited. although, i have little expectations. really, i just want to do a lot of nothing. i just want to sleep, and eat, and drink. i really just want to hang out in the warmth with the people i care about. i'd like to go to disney and take lots of photos with my friends. clearly, id love to go to the beach and, like stated above, hang out with my friends and family. i'd like to have photos with my mother since those never seem to exist past the age of 12 unless theyre obligatory. i'd like to change that.
this week has been one hell of a week. i've been challenged a lot over the past few weeks and this week has been no different. i guess i booked my vacation at the perfect time. i could really use a nice warm escape. i hardly remember everything thats happened. i remember a small glimpse of cutting joe out of my life. being upset with him and telling him to fuck off. i remember my roommate telling me that i was being a child about something. though i still think im justified, i can see how she sees that. work has been crazy busy and with some of our staff not wanting to pull their own weight, let me tell you, it is difficult to deal sometimes. i'd love to be the head of my department but this might just be the worst time to step into those shoes. these are the things i think about while i comtemplate on what my next step with the federation should be.
i've also fantasized about moving back home though i know that doing that would just kill my soul. i love going home but i also love living my life here in the city. can i just live in boston with cheaper rent and smoother winters? thanks.
what else has happened? hrm. lets see. well, clearly, i've written a few songs and posted their lyrics here. =D i'm really happy about them. um, i've... oh, yes, i found out that my bff was arrested last week. the reason for her arrest was... insane to find out. i was so fucking pissed off. ask my mother. i was PISSED. it makes me think about ending our friendship which in turn upsets me more because, holy shit, how could i ever end our friendship? its been alive as long as i've been alive. but i guess this is where i thank my parents for making me a better person than her parents made her. i don't know. i just.. its a difficult subject to think about.
i also got a new library card. i'm very excited about this. i've checked out some jane austin. i've been reading sense and sensibility. i'm, so far, enjoying it.
this week has also made me think things i never thought i'd find myself thinking. for example, i kind of miss luis. i mean, it doesn't matter because he isn't interesting in talking so its not like i would call him but weeks like these, i find comfort in his presence.
random though: why has pandora been sucking immensely this past week? seriously. why the fuck would i want to play britney spears on my emo-indie kate nash/ a fine frenzy/ fiona apple radio station? seriously! come on!
back to rant. oh yes. i miss luis. i'd love to know who he is minus the emotional detachment. its really shitty to like someone so much but know that they are fully unavailable. its strange. i mean, i used to not be able to do this; to seperate liking someone and *liking* someone. i guess this is what you realize when you grow up. sometimes you like people a lot. you enjoy their personality but for one reason or another you split ways and you later still think about them and hope theyre well but, you just don't talk. you don't reach that hand out. how strange. i like playground dynamics better.
Oh! Yes! and Jess is going to France! I'm very excited for her though I'm a little sad. I'm not really thinking about it but I know I'm going to miss her a lot. She's become the person I've been around the most lately. I feel like we have a secret friendship sometimes. Like we should have a secret language and pink heart lock toys that symbolize our... secret friendship? Is that silly? I know it is. hehe. On top of Jess leaving, so is Dominique. What a serious shame; My two favorite Boston people.. hell, my two favorite people ever are leaving. LAAAMMEE. and if you guys read this... LAME! I'm going to miss the both of them so much. At least Jess will be back and I can visit Dom in Cali but.. still! Come on! lol

Random other stuff:

i painted my nails today. deep berry
i'm thinking about picking lucille up again. maybe i need a new guitar. one less spanish more acoustic heart break. we'll name her eleanor.
i got a new dress yesterday. i want to wear it two days in a row.
i also got a new coat yesterday.
i almost got weave for my florida trip.
i've realized that i've grown apathetic. i just don't care about that much anymore.
i've found myself wishing that i didn't care about chris lately. i've also found myself preventing myself from being in contact with him. i changed his name on my phone from his last name to "heartbreak."
i'm glad i told joe off. he's a dickhead and i don't give a shit about what he does with the rest of his life. have fun in the marines, loser!
i wish i could chill with alex soon. i miss that bastardo. =D alex come hang out with me!!! lets watch tellies and do nothings!!! pleaseses!

by sept 1st, 2009

2009-02-18T02:04:00.000-05:00

i hope to have a killer position at work, a sweet ass studio apt, and some damn peace of mind.
peace of mind comes with paying bills off.

this will happen

let me down joe

2009-02-13T20:14:00.003-05:00

hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey
let me down joe
hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey
let me down joe

well it started the 2nd of december
no- wait, november
well it doesnt really matter.
cause nothin matters to u
cos ur a piece of shit
i can't believe i believed you

hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey
let me down joe
hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey
let me down joe

well ur just talking me up and down
and u turn around
and u say that ur sorry.
but its hard to believe in u
cause ur so untrue
how did i eva like u?

hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey
let me down joe
hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey
let me down joe

well i shoulda known
that it would
be this way
cause you always let me down.
and u make me repeat myself
oh-all the time
like im a fuckin broken record.

hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey
let me down joe
hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey
let me down joe

so let me break it down for u
no, ur not true
cause ur so fuckin fulla shit.
and i cant take your apologies
or ur apathies
cause u make me wanna break it!

hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey
let me down joe
hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey
let me down joe

well i hope you have a good time in the naaaaavy
u can talk all ur shit cause u mean noooothin to me.
and maybe one ull turn aroun and uuuull feel bad
but ya know, i fuckin doubt it
cause ur only in it for urself
u care for no one else
so go ahead, baby. try it!

hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey
let me down joe
hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey
let me down joe
hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey
let me down joe
hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey
let me down joe

heartbreak songs

2009-02-09T01:30:00.001-05:00

i'm banging my head over things we've done
and i can't find where i went wrong
but i'm finding every last mistake you've gunned.

and i wondering how to get to you
but mostly if youre worth it too
and im finding harder to convince myself for you

these are my heartbreak songs
the ones wronged me to write
the ones i find where im right

these are my heartbreak songs
the ones wronged me to write
the ones i find where im right

you told me that you want more
and i believed you on that floor
of enchanting memories

and you kissed me, i said i love you
and i wondered if you loved me too
but im finding it hard to believe

so now youre sorry that you hurt me in such a way
well babe, you aren't the first- and you won't be the last today.

these are my heartbreak songs
the ones i write cause you are wrong
when you think im not good for you

these are my heartbreak songs
the ones that youll sing along
when they play for you on repeat

these are my heartbreak songs
the ones that your mom will love
cause she knows that you mean so much to me.

these are my heart break songs
the ones ill sing proud and strong
cause i know that now you're thinking of me.

these are my heartbreak songs
the ones i write cause you are wrong
when you think im not good for you

these are my heartbreak songs
the ones that youll sing along
cause i know that now you're thinking of me.

Covering Up

2009-02-04T11:04:00.006-05:00

i have this thing where i often defend the men that fuck me over and treat me like shit. "it's okay," i tell myself. "these things happen." and although its just me being forgiving and looking past things, it really causes a horrible fight within me. the fight where i'm mad about what happened, i'm hurt and crushed and "holy fuck how did i get here?" but at the same time, "we're friends and, well, you didn't mean it so... i guess i forgive you."

this is the part where i acknowledge that i have absolutely amazing friends. in the past, i had good guy friends and very little female friends. and as i got older i realized that a. we women need to stick together, b. women make damn better friends than men do and, c. boys are fucking retarded. in fact, aside from peter and alex p. i can't think of any straight guy friend that i know that hasn't hurt me in some way. alex is amazing. he's one of my favorite people. he's exactly what i want and need out of a guy friend and hes no bullshit. i love the dude to death. peter is fantastic. he's a friend of mine from home who, now that i think about it, i only knew for a few months before i moved up here. he eventually moved to chicago with his lady and we're still just as close if not closer after years of not seeing each other.

i guess the story begins with today's horoscope. the horoscope read,
"You are about to get a fresh start in an old relationship -- and while the transition might feel a bit too bumpy to be comfortable, you can clearly see how things are about to get a whole lot better. Dreams you thought you had to let go of suddenly seem possible again! If you are in an established relationship, get together with your partner and think up a few ways to inject some excitement into things. If you are looking to start a relationship, investigate some new tactics."

the thing is, there is no fresh start. with anyone. the only men that i had interest in who, well, lost my interest were joe and chris. joe and i are "friends" and although i can't help but love him, theres no living way in hell that i could fully forgive him for the way he treated me. i forgave him but i'm not stupid. theres still that 5% thats keeping me from pretending that it was fully okay because it wasn't. at all. and i cried a lot about it.

as for chris... oh god. where to start? he knew! he knew! he knew! he knew exactly how i felt about him pretty much from day one and to pull what he did, a year and a half later, when he knew how i felt about him just kills me. it's not that i think he meant to do it. it's not that i'm actively angry about it but i can't pretend that it's okay. and he knows that. they both know this. but the difference with the chris situation, the most recent, is that i'm actually still burned by it. i was telling my friend cassie that i dont think he viciously meant to do what he did, which trust me- it wasn't a bad thing that he did, its just that his handling of me was shitty and every time i think about it, i feel my little heart and my soul flutter in the most negative of ways. it doesn't flutter like i'm in love or happy. it flutters in a shaming self-protecting way because i'm still very hurt by what happened and ive found myself incredibly vulnerable. so much so that as much as i'd want- love, to be able to engage in some sexual encounters, the idea of it kills me beyond belief. the idea of letting anyone touch me upsets me and hurts the living hell out of me. it makes me angry and emotionally fucked because i don't want anyone coming near me and in my head i see myself as a sad little girl curled up in fetal position on a couch because i'm so hurt about it.

so i tell cassie, "maybe its what i needed to stay away from men for a while." and like any good friend she snaps and says, "don't you dare talk about that and then defend him in your next breath!" and it made me so happy that she said that. not because i wanted her to (i didn't) and not because i expected her to ( i didn't) but because only a true, good friend would call you out and make you be your own best friend again. and for that, i thank her tremendously. an incredible fantastic amount.

thank you

Preperation

2009-02-01T09:43:00.003-05:00

I'm having an interesting time planning for my future. This past week has brought a lot of things I'd like to do to light. For example, I want to move to Coolidge Corner. It's closer to my job and it's prime location. It's arty and calm. It would give me the inspiration to delve into literature and write more.
In the next few months- I have a lot planned. I am going home to Florida by the end of the month, I am going to Vegas for my birthday and I plan to move to Coolidge Corner. Of course, this would all be financially more sustainable once I get that promotion I've been hoping for in the past three months. My horoscope looks good so I'm excited about it.
This year, I'd also like to get my passport, meet my little sister, fall utterly in love, and get my finances in order. I've been stressing out about my taxes this past week. Knowing that I haven't gotten my paperwork yet kind of stressed me out. This will be a very poor week for me except I'm too proud to ask for help and I know that I should suffer through it to help teach me a lesson. I'm very excited for payday this week. hah. But in all seriousness, I've taken the time to break my money down and it's not too bad. I can totally get everything in order as long as I stay disciplined and keep things in line. This will be incredibly challenging with my group of friends. We happen to really like to go out to eat and drink. And trust me, we can drink. I've easily, very easily, spent $150 on just one night of drinks- my share alone. And no, this wasn't on a special occasion. I must have been incredibly rich in my past life because I can spend money like people spread honey.
Yesterday I told myself that my next blog would be about Obama Water and how funny I think it is. Maybe the next one will be because this one has become about my finances and changes in life. I need to be more disciplined and I'd really love it if my friends helped encourage me to stay so. Two months ago my father told me I needed to plan more for myself and I think he's very right. I've historically been bad at it. I've just let things happen and what I want won't *just happen* unless I plan better. I also really want to move to California and I will not be able to afford it unless I step up and put these things in order. I know that in California I will need to be able to afford a car, gas for it, and insurance. Although, I keep thinking about how much I would like a scooter and I wonder if that's possible in LA or San Fran or San Diego. You know? These are the things I need to start thinking about. I need to plan for myself! heh. And it's not that I'm getting overwhelmed. Quite the opposite. I'm getting very excited to start being this prepared.

Changes

2009-01-30T03:34:00.002-05:00

I feel like for the past few weeks I've been thinking about where my life is going and I've had few answers for myself. I try hard not to set too many expectations because, well, I don't want to let myself down. Letting me down always feels worse than letting others down. I've also felt, lately, that I'm my own best friend. Which is such a good feeling. I like it a lot.
I've been spending a lot of time with my friend Jess and it has been such a great time. I don't think any two people laugh as much as we do. I think it's safe to say that we both think we're hilarious. lol. I've been really enjoying this friendship. I've also been enjoying the world I'm starting to see and dream of.
Yesterday I made a list of the things that I wanted. Some of them were silly but all of them were true. I really do want to be promoted. I really do want to be proposed to. I'd love- absolutely love- to be a paid singer. I'd love it. I fantasize about it. I think about being in a gorgeous smokey lounge with red velvet and smooth jazz. I think about the gorgeous baby grand next to me. Someday finding the time and talent to play it. To sing my little heart out for everyone else. It would be a dream come true.
My point is that I'm going through changes. Everyone does. And what I want now is different than what I wanted last year and the year before. I don't want silly little things like, " a new car" or "the guy at that bar to like me." I want to be promoted. I want to start working as an MT. I want to sing and write more. I want to throw myself into the world of literature and arts- I don't read enough. I want an apartment in Coolidge Corner. I want a scooter. I want all of these things. I know that I'm going to get them because, a. I want them and b. they're not that far off. I don't want crazy things; I want reachable. An apartment in Coolidge Corner.. with a scooter.. and the calm gorgeous peace of mind.

I'm ready for the next stage of my life..

Doin The Nasty + Hilarious Friends

2009-01-29T00:20:00.001-05:00

Jen: y'alls uglies are gonna bumpy bump bump alllll nigiiiiiight looooooong

12:15 AM me: lol

oh hush

naw. it won't.

he'll be in boston with family tomorrow

Jen: ::does a lil humpy dance:: <--- thats u

lol

me: no time to bump nassty

lmao

lmmfao

jen

Jen: here's your chance, here's your chance to do the hump... uh.... a do the humpty hump!

12:16 AM me: lmao. you are HILARIOUS

Jen: "she got a donk" will be playin in the background

me: ?

oh no

haha hells n o

Jen: lol

or one minute man

hahahhaha

12:17 AM me: oh god no

please no

12:18 AM Jen: hahaha

oneline

2009-01-23T08:06:00.001-05:00

best line out of jaymay's Blue or Gray... well, the most fitting for me:
friendships ruined with one kiss.

The Thing About Hurting The Ones You Love

2009-01-20T18:31:00.003-05:00

No one every really means to hurt someone. Especially if they're a friend. It's a shame. When people are too scared to hurt and even more afraid to love. These moments in my reality bother me. I'm willing to take the good with the bad- it's the only way to live.
I'm not really sure what steps to take now. I've been pretty patient but can only honestly say semi. These days that are about to come are the most dangerous ones for me. They're the ones where I'm more willing to hide under my covers and turn the phone off. They're the ones where I want to tune out all of the things I'm not ready to deal with. Stimulation.
These moods that I slip in make me wonder who I am- the up or the down. They make me wonder where, again, do I begin. I listen to the same songs and find different meanings over and over again. I write the same words and somehow they are willing to take another form. I listen over and over again to the words, "You can't hurry love." I repeat them to myself and try to find the strength in me to believe it. To believe that patience will get me through but I find myself thinking and repeating, to myself, the words I never want to say.
The words that I never want to say are, "Hold me. Love me. Take care of me. I'm desperately sensitive. I bruise incredibly easily but I would never show you." And why would I? Why would I bother to let someone see that they've hurt me or that I can't guarantee I'll be the same around them anymore. How can I when there are so many explanations to how and why things change? For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. This butterfly affect kills me. It works for and against me.
I am a writer. A singer. A dancer. A poet. A girl who is hoping that one day you'll see her the way she sees you. Who hopes that one day you'll see what she doesn't see in herself and she can see what you don't see in yourself. And what a pity. What a waste of unconditional love. I live on the outskirts of a town that neighbors yours. I live with a city.. no, two, of them between us. Much shorter than a country. Much shorter than a state. It's a pure shame and not knowing what the next move is or should be bothers me. I don't need the answers to everything- I don't want them.
But I dream of a hot bath and you playing at my feet. I dream of play fights on silver sand by the lake. And who else dreams of these things? Who else can think about how beautiful it would be to make you coffee in the morning? How much she'd love to wake you with kisses and love? Who can only imagine what witty things you'd say in the heat of a fight that would only be mended with I'm Sorry's and kisses.?
What a shame. What a shame. What a shame. What a shame that you'd let a love like this pass you by. What a shame that you'd let care and affection slip between your fingers. You had me in the palm of your hand. You cradled me and caressed me. You played with my hair and made me think that maybe, just maybe, there was hope. And for what? You dropped me the second others could see anything. The second anyone could see that something may have been happening.
Que pena. Que pena que dejas un amor como esta se valle. Que pena que me tratas con tanto cariño y me dejas en tu puerta sin llave y sin nota de regreso. Que pena que tienes mas miedo que algo cambiara cuando ya el cambio paso. Que querida pena.

Harrassment

2009-01-18T14:59:00.002-05:00

So the last week of December Christine Pasquarosa emails me on facebook. I have no clue who this girl is but she seems to know who I am. At least, she thinks she does. She messages me calling me a dirty hooker and all sorts of stupid things. I think, "Really? Aren't we a little grown for this?" So I respond saying, "Thank you for your unfitting opinion of me. Clearly, you have too much time on your hands. Please leave me alone." A few more messages were exchanged and I was polite as could be. Please and Thank you. You get the drill. I make sure to throw a sassy little comment in there like, "Oh. Tell your boyfriend I said hello." Seeing as how she thinks all of these negative things about me and my Sexual Drive, I imagine that she thinks these because I either flirted with her boyfriend or something of the sort. Either way, I know, pretty personally, ever guy I've slept with in the past year. It hasn't been that many, either. Aside from the years I spent in a serious committed relationship, I'd never had such few partners as I did last year. Whatever. So I like sex. Get over it.
I'm writing this blog for a few reasons. Firstly, I've been receiving calls this past week. They've all been private. They wait for me to pick up, say hello, and then they say something stupid like.. I don't know. Call me a whore and then hang up. If you have something to say, say it to my fucking face. Lord knows I'll do the same for you. Also, don't block your number. I will find a way to get around it. Technology is CRAZY awesome.
Secondly, if this person is stalking me and following my blog, I want them to know that I am taking notice and I won't play this game. If you keep harassing me I will file a Police Report and make your life a living hell for fucking with mine. Do Not Fuck With Me. I am not some stupid pendeja that'll let you patronize her. Okay?
And Thirdly, I'd just like to make it known. So if ever anything happens, my support group and those who read my blog can testify that this has happened and I have written about it. It's called foresight.
Oh, and to whoever is calling me and calling me a whore, I also started a log about it and my telephone company has been notified. If this happens again, like I said, the police will be notified.
Do Not Fuck With Me. Hands down, I will fucking ruin you.

Thanks all and have a great weekend!!
Happy Sunday and GOBAMA!!!!!!! W00t!!

mending scars

2009-01-11T20:11:00.001-05:00

i'd rather hide under my covers, and dream cause they're not yours.
and i practiced all my listening, hoping we'd get indoors
but the morning is a terrible, thing for me to waste
and all i can think about is how, sweet your mouth can taste.
and the way that you looked at me, it kind of said it all.
so ill sit here with my silence, and mend my newborn scars.
but if you ever come around, i'll be here for you.
all you have to say is darling, you know that i love you.
and i promise if you say it, ill let it melt away
and all i can think about, is how i miss your face.
and your beautiful body language, how you look when you talk.
and all i want to do is bundle up, and take a walk.
with you.

Should've Known...

2009-01-11T10:38:00.001-05:00

... when I got excited that it wouldn't happen. It couldn't work out because you only get that kind of excitement once for a person and anything after that is joy's way of easing the blow that you know you'll have.

oh well

honest smile

2009-01-08T18:05:00.002-05:00

also, i'd like to say...

but more importantly,

seriously

2009-01-08T00:41:00.001-05:00

yeah, i took it there. =)

Ain't The First, Won't Be The Last

2009-01-07T23:21:00.002-05:00

Moments like these I'm really appreciative of my mother's slight indifference towards heartbreak. Every time I got my little heart broken she'd say, "Angie, he isn't the first and he won't be the last." And I'm really grateful for that.
I finally had the talk with my friend. It didn't go the way I wanted it to. Slightly disappointing. Good thing he's a good friend, right? I guess we'll see how things work out. There's a part of me that hopes he changes his mind. I guess it's okay, though. Worse things can happen. I wasn't upset until an hour after I got off the phone. I was talking to my friend Jen and then I kind of got upset and let a few tears escape me. Either way, this year has had a damn better beginning the last. I'm in a better place now. I'm happy for that.
In the random case that he does somehow stumble upon this and read this, I'd like to say that you're a darling and I'll care for you unconditionally. You are, however, missing out because you don't know how good my affection feels, and let me tell you, it's damn good. ;) No, really. I'd be damn good to him and the idea of being able to do that makes me happy. Oh wells.
In other news, I'm uber sick.
Better updates later......

Lather, Rinse, Repeat

2009-01-04T20:24:00.004-05:00

Its like Groundhogs Day only it's New Years Day.
I realized this week that I'm in an incredibly similar position this year as I was last year. The difference is, last year I wasn't so sure. I didn't know how I felt about this heart of mine and I let a boy run it. Last year I was caught between telling someone I love that I love them and want to be with them or letting this boy who I was infatuated with right his wrongs and make a good man of himself. I chose the latter of the two. I let this boy do his rights and wrongs and I let myself get hurt in the process. I found a new boy who could do more rights and wrongs but they weren't that serious so I suffered less because of him and more because of myself. So here I am, a year later, no longer infatuated with said boys and still thinking about and loving this person. I wonder if this is the Universe's way of giving me a repeat cycle on my wash. I wonder if its their way of saying, "We saw you miss out on what you wanted. Stupid girl. You deserve it so.. go for it. Don't let it leave you again."
It's clear to me that if a year later I still love him its true. It's an honest love. Lets hope this works out the way I'm hoping it does. =)

Happy Sunday, all!

Spring Please!

2009-01-03T01:10:00.002-05:00

Is it crazy that I'm dreaming of the Spring already? Or rather, the summer? Is it crazy that all I can think about is this supposed getaway that is happening in my head and all I want to do is play near the water on a lakeside house? Its truly all I can dream about. The warmth. The leaves. The clean brown water. The silver sand. The good company with smores on sticks and marshmellows on our lips. I'm drunk with the fascination that this could be the year I get to live out my simple yet intoxicating dreams of summers, love and memories! I'm excited to see this year as the year where "Things started to finally pay off!"

<3 I'm in love with '09 already!

kjkdjskfhd

2008-12-28T23:43:00.002-05:00

lmmfao my friends are fucking HILARIOUS
.... i find this WAY too funny

These Dreams Be Deep, yo!

2008-12-28T17:27:00.005-05:00

The past month I have dreamed of killing. I've dreamed people were trying to kill me but I killed them first.
The following are significant parts of my dreams and their definitions. I deeply believe in dream interpretation.

Eyes
To dream that you have something in your eye, represents obstacles in your path. Alternatively, it may represent your critical view and how you tend to see faults in others.
*i dreamed i stabbed someone in the eye with a piece of broken glass from a mirror i broke to defend myself with*

Stab
To dream that you stab someone, indicates your fear of betrayal and your untrusting nature. You may be too much on the defensive.
*i dreamed i stabbed someone in the eye with a mirror. i dreamed i stabbed many many people with knives and daggers.*

Mirror
To break a mirror in your dream, suggests that you are breaking an old image of yourself. You may be putting an end to an old habit.
*i dreamed i broke a mirror, took a piece of it out, and stabbed someone with it*

Cutting
To dream that you are cutting something, signifies a broken relationship or severed connection. Alternatively, the dream may be a metaphor for something you need to "cut out" in your life. Perhaps it refers to some bad habit or a certain food.
*not only have i dreamed that i have cut the people attacking me, but last night i dreamed someone tried to cut my wrists. i, in turn, not only cut theirs across the street but down the street too.. which was a bomb ass move on my part. don't you think?*

Murder
To dream that you have committed a murder, indicates that you are putting an end to an old habit and your former ways of thinking. This could also mean an end to an addiction. Alternatively, you may have some repressed aggression or rage at yourself or at others.
To dream that you are murdered, suggests that some important and significant relationship has been severed and you are trying to disconnect yourself from your emotions. It also represents your unused talents.
*the last month of my life. they never succeed at killing me; i always get them first*

Wrist
To notice your wrist in your dream, represents your ability to bring about fun/excitement and productivity at the same time. You are able to grab the attention of others and get them involved.
* i dreamed someone tried to cut my wrist*

Fighting
To dream that you are fighting to the death, indicates that you are unwilling to acknowledge a waking conflict or your own inner turmoil. You are unwilling and refusing to change your old attitudes and habits.
*damn.. does that not get any fucking clearer?*

Bicycle
To see a bicycle in your dream, indicates that you need to devote time to leisurely pursuits and recreation.
*shit.. okay! hahaha*

Balloons
To see balloons in your dream, indicates declining hopes in your search for love. A situation in your life will take a turn downward. Balloons also represent arrogance and an inflated opinion of yourself.
*its true.. *

Wood
To dream of wood, suggests that you are feeling dead inside and emotionless. You may be behaving automatically and just going along with the flow. Or you may be acting out without fully thinking things through.
*i beat the fuck out of my attacker with a piece of wood.*

Blood
To see blood in your dream, represents life, love, and passion as well as disappointments. You have invested so much effort into something that you are not willing to give it up.
To dream that you are bleeding or losing blood, signifies that you are suffering from exhaustion or that you are feeling emotionally drained. It may also denote bitter confrontations between you and your friends. Your past actions has come back to haunt you. Women often dream of blood or of someone bleeding, shortly before or during their periods or while they are pregnant.
To dream that others are bleeding, signifies an emotional cry for help.
*obviously i don't have to explain where or why i dreamed of blood. though i should add that i'm not pregnant and i don't have my period. (thank you,mirena!)*

so there it is, the interpretations of key factors in my dreams. what does this mean? that i'm losing hope in my search for love. that i'm trying to break my old habits. that i feel dead inside. that i'm crying for help. that i'm breaking the image of who i used to be. essentially, that i'm changing, a lot, and i'm having trouble with it.

obviously, my dreams know me better than i do...

Twenty Thousand Underneath The Sea

2008-12-28T16:51:00.003-05:00

The Plea

2008-12-27T17:37:00.003-05:00

i'm tired of being rejected
and given veiled responses
i know i don't deserve it
but baby, when will you measure up?
cause i know that you can

i'm tired of shaking nervous
just hoping that you'll notice
that when you look right at me
there must be a twinkle in my eye
cause you're all that i love.

and i know you know its just not fair
and im not asking that you get prepared
but all of this killing me
all i ever wanted for you
to settle with me.

i know i;d make you happy
and maybe if you'd let me you'd see
you suffer just like me
babe, can you imagine that?
you're the ball and i'm the bat.

i'm not asking for you to break the lines
i'm not asking for you to switch your sides

you know that i loved you
and i still but hey
these things will obviously take time
can we start at 9?

cause you spend your time
hiding
and you waste your time
lying
and you stumble with words on
why you can't
you know that i know its all a chant you repeat
cause i know you love me.

i know i don't deserve this
i hoped that you would notice
and no, im not conforming
but damn i'd love it if you
could see past your blue eyes
and stare right into mine.

and the girls you date might be prettier
the girls you date might be skinnier
they might have lighter skin than mine
but darling i swear that they cannot rhyme
their love for you.
not as well as i do.

i wrote a hundred songs
and i know its not enough
to get you to get where i'm coming from.
but its honest
im trying my hardest.

so baby please, can you find it deep
within yourself
justt let go of your health
and i promise that if you fall
i'll be right there for you, doll
and i know i'm trying
hard for you
but i'm asking please
can you try for me, too?
for me, too?
for me, too?

©2008

I Owe You My Life

2008-12-10T15:21:00.004-05:00

I know I have a lot of people to thank for my life and how its turning out to be. I know I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for the people in my life who influence me. I know that if it wasn't for my shit exboyfriend, Max, I wouldn't be in Boston. More importantly, if it wasn't for a perfect stranger, I wouldn't be alive.
A little over a year ago I started working at a barber shop. Working there was fun, for the most part, but also torturing because of all the hot guys you'd see and the pretty girls who work at starbucks and also have chest pieces (coughcough) who you'd find yourself having a crush on.
There was a time where I couldn't find the courage to talk to a cute boy. Where I would just puss out and chill in the background. There are few times like that still, where I'll be too scared to say hi.
I was walking down Mass Ave, about to cross over westland when I saw him. He was so cute and he used to come into the barbershop. Worst part of all? He actually talked to me.
So we're crossing, in opposite directions and I smile at him. He stopped me in the middle of the street to say hello. I was midstride and if it wasn't for that pause, the one where we stopped and smiled and had a moment of joy to see the other was doing well, I would've gotten hit by the black sedan that didn't feel the need to slow down for my life's sake.

Its strange to know that you could've been hit by a car and possibly killed, but you can't remember your savior's first name.

I hope you're well. And if you should ever come across and read this, thank you.

Don't Terrorize Me!

2008-12-06T17:25:00.004-05:00

So this week's been hell. The last thing I want to do is go home. Going home means I'll think. It means my mind won't shut up. I can't play music loud enough to get my mind to shut the fuck up. I can't do anything to get my mind to shut up except for working out. Turns out exercise is the only thing that can save me from myself. Imagine that.
I've been an emotional little shit for a little over a week now. It started with the non stop crying of hearing my father say how proud he is of me. It continued on the ride home where the king of marriage material sat behind me and I was tortured by his sweet voice and darling laughter. I bet I would've melted with his smile. Monday was work. Not too bad but felt shitty at the end. Tuesday was what killed me. I wanted to go to the gym so badly but my account was frozen so I had to go in and unfreeze it. (hello $75/mo! I'm excited to see you withdrawn from my account on a monthly basis!) Weds I was mean to Eugene. Incredibly mean. Harsh. Bitchy. Cruel. Mean. How can you say you love me when you've treated me so badly mean. Also, this might have a sub-conscience element to it seeing as how I talked to Victor (I know. I know) and it went.. well-ish. Things I didn't want to hear but they were sweet in tone and honest in verbage. I'm not slipping into the emotional affair. I did that with max. What I am doing is leaving space. Its been 8 years. These things don't die easy.
The gym is where I can relax and get my blood pumping. It's also the only place where I don't find myself having to run to the bathroom to explode into tears. This is how my week has been. I constantly find myself running away to cry. I wonder if its seasonal. I wonder if its hormonal. I wonder if my past is catching up with me. Its probably the latter of the three. What I'm upset about, I don't know. But I can tell you that I haven't been able to sleep well and I wonder if this is also involving other dimensions or black magic, the evil eye, something. I don't believe that this is just happening on its own. Somethings got to be making it happen and I'd like to find that something and get over it. Having your nightmares randomly terrorize you for a week just isn't possible... there's got to be something behind it! There has to be.

With that said, I'm going to go home.. even though I desperately don't want to...

Real vs Fake

2008-12-02T23:10:00.004-05:00

I once wrote a song called War Wounds where the opening verse read, Everyone's acting so strange around me and I wonder if it's possibly my energy; I get lost and I wonder if I'm seeing myself in all these strangers.
I feel like that song fits into my life again. I feel like everyone has been acting strange and I'm truly wondering if its me, if it's that there will be a full moon on the 12th, or if people are just being lame.
A lot of my favorite friends are sucking right now. I feel like completely disengaging and just letting bygones be bygones. Its difficult for me to handle someone not wanting to be around me. Though I'm not needy; that isn't what this is. What this is, however, is the disinterest I have for those not interested in being around me. In short, if you don't want to be around me or you make me feel that way, I throw in the towel very quickly. I just don't have time for it. I'm not going to break into a sweat trying to get you to spend time with me or like me if you don't want to. Honestly, you're just not fucking worth it- I don't care who you are.
And thats just how I've felt these past couple of weeks. I'm making less eye contact and talking less. I'm writing more and just spending more time alone. I'm too tired to play these, "lets pretend to be friends" games. You don't want to be around me? Then fine, fuck you, don't be. -shut down-
I guess this need to blog about it came from a conversation Eugene and I were having. Eugene wants to break his friendship with this girl he knows but he's essentially just ignoring her instead of telling her straight up. He's hoping she'll "get it" but I think, honestly, that Honesty is the answer. I was pretty harsh to him when I told him to grab his balls, stop being a fucking pussy and just tell her he doesn't value their friendship anymore and that he'd rather not have it anymore. Which then led me to text victor and tell him that I feel like I inconveninence him so I'm just going to let our story be just that, a story... of the past. I think what frustrates me most about this situation is that I thought people from new england were straight up and didn't play these games. I thought they were real and up front but I was apparently wrong. Very wrong. I've found, in my 4 years of being here, that most people are chicken shit and full of shit. They a.) won't tell you how they really feel, and b.) talk a lot of shit. I grew up with the notion that if you had something to say or you felt some way that you say it. You don't bottle it up and you don't pretend shit's butters if its really fucking stone.
So there you have it, New England. I am shocked with you. I expected more.

The Girl Is Taken

2008-11-30T11:11:00.004-05:00

but it didn't stop me from admiring the fine young man sitting behind me on my bus ride from new york. of mexican decent from dallas, tx. post peace corps journey, currently stationed in harvard, fine as could be. within the first ten minutes of hearing his voice was planning our next five years of being together which included a wedding, helping his mother make tamales, and dancing in a flowing skirt. i could've fallen in love with his laugh if i had the chance.

::sigh::

Keep your friends close and youre enemies closer...

2008-11-20T13:51:00.005-05:00

There's a saying that we all know, "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." Its an unfortunate circumstance and outlook on life, however understandable it all is, its just kind of a bummer overall. I often sit and wonder, "Why do we have to tear each other down? Why can't we all just support each other and be truly proud? Why must jealousy always kill and shred such beautiful things?"
Its come to my attention that someone who I thought was a great friend is actually an enemy in disguise. And although I can't exactly hate her for wearing such a mask I will now, by default, find it harder to trust her. I know that I'll now take everything she says with a grain of salt and every time she gets enthusiastic for me, I'm just not going to believe it. I know that with time she will start to question where our friendship went and if, by possibility, she reads this, she'll wonder if its about her. I think this leaves the perfect space to say, "you're so vain, I bet you think this blog is about you." =)
I think what bothers me most is that I know this person looks up to me and respects me. I am by no means the strongest or baddest or most kick ass person out there. I'm just me and I try my best and if that doesn't please you then you're not worth pleasing.
I think whats truly worse and more annoying is that I see them all of the time and the past few times I've seen them I can see the jealousy in their eyes. Its truly frustrating when you can see how jealous someone is and you know that they want to scream and say insulting things to you because you're doing better than they are. If any of you have read the entry about the past four years of my life, you'd know, it hasn't been easy. It still isn't that easy but I'm really done focusing on the negative. My journal entries have also been fewer and farther in between for a few reasons, :
a. I'm spending a lot of time with Eugene.
b. I'm tired of writing about how shitty people are.
c. Writing isn't as big of an outlet for me as it used to be. Its still great but lately I just give it to people straight and story's over. Why bother writing a novel about it?

This whole stupid situation has gotten me to think about my surroundings again. Luckily, I've done a pretty decent job at surrounding myself with amazing people. Instantly, Miranda and Christine come to mind. They are my Boston BFFs. They both know it. I have dropped my life for them because I know that they have done the same to me. I am forever indebted to their kindness and friendship.
tbc

Joe

2008-11-19T13:04:00.001-05:00

the answer would be no.

Dear Victor

2008-11-19T12:24:00.002-05:00

I don't need you. Imagine that. I said it. Hah.
Have a nice life. Try not to choke when you see me in Cali.

Testing, Testing, 123.

2008-11-17T17:30:00.007-05:00

The weekend was pretty lazy and incredibly challenging. I feel like Mondays, Thursdays, and Saturdays are becoming incredibly hard for me to work through. Mondays are challenging because I'm at work until 8 pm. Although its only a 9 hour shift, it often feels like we're short staffed. The reason for that being that usually someone calls out sick or can't come in. And in most other cases, we're slammed the entire afternoon and people rush out of here like someone yelled "Fire!" It can be quite testing. It bugs me. A lot.
Thursdays are my extra long day. I wake up at 6 if I'm lucky, run out the door at 7, and I'm at work at 8. Somewhere around 3 o'clock I'm dying for a cigarette and if anyone gets in my face its by the grace of God that they are still standing. It feels like people like to call out on that day, too. Its hard and frustrating when people have only been at work a good 5 hours and they're dying to leave while I've been on for 9 and I know I still have three more to go. Its also frustrating when I'm in the chart room since 1 in the afternoon and some of the staff think I'm just doing a bunch of nothing. Trust me, I'm doing something. I'm trying to catch up on all the shit we've fallen behind on and its one hell of a task. I guess that's why Dominique likes me in the back; because I'm efficient. Take that, Emmett Curran!!
Saturdays are a little stressful. Mostly around the end of the day than the beginning. It's somewhere around 1 pm when we're starting to wonder when we're going to get to go home and how smooth things will go from there on out. That's when the patients and their escorts start to get frustrated and catch attitudes with us. I can't blame them, really. I mean, they're hungry. They've been here for hours and they haven't been able to eat since midnight. They just want their procedure and leave. It can get a little frustrating, though. Some of them just think you can walk in and get a serious procedure done with in an hour.... yeah, right. Okay. Whatever. Not gonna happen, kiddo. By the time we get out, I've probably had a few cigarettes and I'm dying for a beer from Qdoba. Actually, that's our ritual. Every Saturday Jess and I walk over to Qdoba and drink our long awaited beer. It's pretty effin awesome. Its one of the few things that gets me back to center. We drink our beer, eat our nachos and laugh off the stresses of the day. This is also usually the time where I realize that I'm running late to meet Eugene and if I don't book it he's going to be quite frustrated with me.
Other than that, life has been great. Work is mostly good despite the things I've stated above. The roommates are well and so is Mister Muffins. I've put a freeze on my gym account because I know it will be harder for me to go during the winter. Also, I'm trying to get my finances under control. I'm thinking about switching to the one closer to work once my freeze is up. I think that if I see it everyday I can better plan out my routine. And speaking of working out, I realized that if I want to go skiing with Eugene this winter I better start training for it so I don't kill myself too much.

Thoughts and comments welcome. Love you alls. Hope all is well. Shoot me an email if you'd like.

<3

Double The Wiser

2008-11-04T00:05:00.005-05:00

Wouldn't that be a great band name? If you use it, can I get royalties? Can I sing with you? Its the vein to my existence.

Work has been great but slightly frustrating. It's really egging on my smoking and Lord knows I quit for a few weeks last month but I guess thats life. Without the frustration there could be no excitement and then I'd slowly numb myself into suicide. How tragic.
Work has been frustrating because we're short staffed. Its strange, we have this new way of doing things and even though its kind of working out its still incredibly frustrating because if anyone slacks off at all it drags everyone down. We're backed up because the woman who works in med records broke her dominant wrist and she can't perform her job, which by the way, is so hard. I mean, you'd think it was easy but she does so much and she really pulls it off every time. I just want to make her a celebration.

Oh yeah, and something else....

2008-10-28T20:07:00.003-04:00

POE once wrote a song called That Day. In it, she talks about having a hard day. Waking up and calling her mother a diet coke. Talking about this unknown person, male most likely, who has, in my interpretation, hurt her and just can't seem to get it right/is draining. She ends the song with saying, "oh yeah, and something else. I hope one day you call up your father and you have the guts to tell him how he hurt you and how he made you hurt another cause it makes me sad." For me, it isn't just the words, its the way she sings it.
Victor: You've hurt. I've hurt. Its how its been. I don't regret it and I hope you don't either. Get through this rough patch and I'll meet you on the other end.
Max: I hope one day you look back at everything you've turned to shit and it kills you inside. I have no compassion for you whatsoever.
Joe: I hope one day you get it together cause you're doing a really shitty job of doing it now. How fucking dare you be cold to me? I've taken enough lashings from you. And for the record, you only made me come once. ever. I hope you have fun with your bebemamadrama. You brought it on yourself.

Funny Thought

2008-10-26T14:02:00.000-04:00

So I told my mom, weeks ago, that Eugene and I were officially dating. That I now have a nice Russian boyfriend. This was weeks ago.
I'm talking to my mom yesterday and I tell her I went to a show the night before with my boyfriend. She goes, "boyfriend?!" and I was like "... I told you. I told you when it happened" and she replies, "Yeah but I didn't think you were serious."

Once again, a prime example of my mother never taking me seriously about anything I say.

You know who you are...

2008-10-21T22:28:00.002-04:00

I have always said great things about you even when I sometimes wondered if they were true. I had your back whenever you needed it and have lent my ear and flesh to your will. I find it hard to breathe when I have to vocalize the words, "I make myself too available to you," however, we both know its the truth. We both know that at the drop of a dime I've been there. Only once have I hesitated and with good reasoning, might I add.
Our last encounter was beautiful. It was what this city was about. It was walking home, interrupting your doubts with kisses and dirty words on the train. Our last encounter will be that- our last. It was a sense of closure for me- a closure I'd needed for quite a while. And even when I'd acknowledged that you'd never told me you loved me to my face, I knew that never would stay that way. I knew that you could never say it to my face because, well, I wonder if you did, but mostly because it would actually mean something from you. I don't mean to discredit you and I love you very much but we... I know that I never really got over you. You always still had a chance and I left that opportunity for you. And you're way too polite and I'd rather you'd just say bluntly what you feel even if it hurts my feelings. And I'd rather you not take something back just because I got offended and you know my attitude will change. If you say something, it's because you mean it. You don't use words lightly. Its not in you.
So I'll break my heart again in hopes that this time it will fit right. I hope that you don't forget to look at the bright side of the shadow and keep in mind that there are teachings in every experience. But mostly, if I had to leave you with one last breath of goodwill, I hope you let that broken shelled guard down of yours and get back to who you truly are. Things will go a lot easier that way.

<3 Angie

They... are... the $#!+

2008-10-10T01:07:00.002-04:00

Seriously. I have been blessed to have found some seriously fair, level headed roommates and I am not taking this for granted one bit.
My roommates are smart, funny, loyal, beautiful, and artsy. They are the girls that make being a girl awesome. They are opinionated, talented, and most of all, amazing friends.
Lets take Caryn for starters. Caryn is jewish, from South Africa by way of Tampa, Fl and then Atlanta, Ga. She is funny, quirky, occasionally reserved, loyal, charming, pretty and fun to be around. She's got a mind of her own, an agenda, and the funniest filter you'd ever seen. Caryn is the kind of person you can never guess. You're never really sure if what you say will be taken as hilarious or offensive.

Then there's Miranda, the love of my life. Seriously, if I was gay and she was gay and her boyfriend didn't mind and neither did she, I'd marry her! She's amazing. She's like my rock. I wrote her a poem once called Fashion Poetry and I'd never meant every line in a poem like I meant the one for her. She. is. AMAZING. She is the most, THE MOST, level headed, fair minded, rational, greatest judge of character, genuine people out there. I swear she was put on this Earth to make life easier and more amazing for others. And although she should make time for herself, she's still amazing and i loves her.

So there you have it ladies and gentlemen. I am in love with my roommates. They make everything more awesome and remind me that its totally cool if i fuck up.. as long as I fix it or try my best to. That we all really are on the same boat.

^_^ I love you, girls!!

Uh-oh, Baby's getting sensitive!

2008-10-09T00:03:00.002-04:00

So I'm IMing with my boyfriend today and he says something that made me feel like I'd gotten all the sexiness slapped off of me. And I know, it probably sounds silly, but it totally made me all sad and sensitive. I mean, anyone who knows me knows how much I love guys pining over me. How much I love it when someone wants to touch me but they can't- it's my favorite thing. I love the lust I see in a mans eyes when he's looking at me. Knowing that he really wants to take me out back and do nasty dirty things to me- I love it! So when he said what he did today I was like, ".... what? do you.. uh.. rea-.. uh... hm... oh. guh. okay."
I talked to La Reina Rubia and she explained it to me a different way which I guess in my head I visited for like ten minutes. And then I've been thinking, almost obsessing about stupid little things like, "Why does your status still say single?" and things like that.
I don't know. I guess thats just where I'm at now. I'm hoping that a lot will be revealed to me in my sleep and that I'll wake up knowing what do to and how to feel. Although in total truth, I absolutely adore my boyfriend and I do my best not to show it too much. I don't know, I guess I'm just having one of those moments where I'm wondering "uh, what?" and, lets be honest here guys, I haven't been in this situation in a very long time. The last time I was in a relationship, it started when I was with someone else and we became official the weekend he came to visit me in Florida.
buh guh luh

Break Away

2008-09-14T21:56:00.004-04:00

I'm sitting in my room, pondering how the last four years of my life have turned out. How they've gone, everything that has happened and I can truly say, with all ounce of being, that I don't regret any of it. Don't misunderstand, I've made my apologies. I've apologized for all of my wrong-doing, whether justified or not, I have given myself to pay the penance for my actions and with all of it, I don't regret anything.

I moved to Boston four years ago, October 28th, 2004 to be exact. I moved here with little to my name. Some money in my bank account, a position available at a local Starbucks, a boyfriend who would later turn out to be incredibly shitty, and the tiniest little studio you could find crammed full with his belongings, not truly welcoming of mine. I don't think I ever put up art in that apartment. I never made it a home. I moved in and the first thought I had was, "Holy shit. What did I get myself into?" but being the determined person I was, and still am, I decided to make it work. It was a Thursday. It was freezing... at least it was to poor little Florida Girl Me. We went dropped my stuff, already behind schedule thanks to missing our stop, and went to a local Boba Cafe that has already shut down despite its darling appearance, homey atmosphere, and decent service.

I remember walking in and seeing this great band on the makeshift stage. I remember looking at the bass player and thinking, "Wow, you're pretty great." At that moment I knew I was truly in the city and my life would never be the same. I remember being excited and truly shit scared at the same time. We slept on the floor that night.

The next two years that would follow were full of cultural adjustments, winter haven- I mean hell, and the usual bouts of "You're never here!" that I would learn to become adjusted to. I don't want to say that the relationship was bad. I mean, there were good times. Like, for example, the time he... .... I'm sure there were good times, I just can't remember any of them. The guy was a douche. We were poor, we were young, we were stupid, but mostly, we were miserable. I hear he cheated on me the whole time we were together. I know, 100%, that he lied to me. I know that he wanted more of me but what he wanted was so shallow and unreasonable. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't give in to being whatever the hell he wanted me to be because he never told me. He convinced me into thinking that we would get married. I got the family blessing. His grandmother taught me how to knit! And with all of that, we still didn't survive. He broke up with me three days after my 21st birthday. He broke up with me on one of the hardest days I'd had all year, making it even more miserable. I called on my friends instantly. My roommate, Caryn, ran into the room when she heard me sobbing on the floor. Held my hair back while I dry-heaved. Made tea for me when I needed it. The girl took good care of me. The rest of that year was awful. We had this ridiculous lingering relationship where I found myself unable to respect him as a person, much less as a friend. I found myself kidding myself and amazed that I have led myself into such disillusion. I broke it off the summer after. I took three weeks of not talking to him and, as I will never forget, he started dating my "friend" shortly thereafter.

Life started looking up. I had a year left of school left, pretty amazing and decent friends, I had a new job, and an altered look on life. I had become closer to my family, truer to myself and my friends. Freer with my soul. I was becoming less and less angry. I had a lot to look forward to. At this time, I thought I would be moving to Georgia, Philadelphia, California, or Chicago at the end of the school year. I thought, "I'll finish up here and move somewhere else." I had a four to five year plan where I would move and change cities every four to five years in order to allow myself to grow as a person and live everywhere I've wanted to. Needless to say, I've yet to leave my location. I live in the same room in the same apartment with (mostly) the same roommates. I've cut my hair, gotten pierced, and tattooed. I changed my hair to pink. I pierced my bottom lip. I morphed into a new phase of myself where I thought I needed to be in. This phase was the "If I don't do it now, when can I?" phase. It was where I decided to do a lot that I'd been too hesitant to do before. Little did I know that I'd fall for Mr. Conformity himself.

Last year I met one of the most amazing men I think I'll ever speak of. Joe came with his list of.. issues, omissions, and reservations. To him, I was the girl he never thought he'd meet, much less love. I was the girl with the pink hair, lip piercing, neck and chest tattoos, not to include a dirty mouth, a loyal personality, and a belief of saying what you wanted, doing what you wanted. We did this little dance of avoidance, both of us unable to say what we meant, and soon ended it all by the time spring rolled around. We broke it off but were both unable to shake each other off. I hadn't cried for a man like I cried over Joe. Sure, I cried over Max but crying over Max also included crying over myself. Crying for the girl I let down by accepting all of the deformaties of that relationship. Crying over Joe was different. I've written once, in admittance, that the first time we kissed the words, "the first time your father kissed me," echoed in my head. I didn't know what to do or how to handle it. I found myself being a very quiet me. One that rarely, if ever, comes out. I found myself scared of saying what I thought or felt for fear of its reprecussions. - Joe now lives with his girlfriend and they are expecting a child. I wish them both the best.
Fast forward to today. Today is Sunday, September 14th, 2008. Today I can recap and say that this summer has, by far, been the best summer of my life. This summer I graduated, I turned 23, I got promoted-twice. This summer I met Frida and Tracy. This summer I met Eugene, Maureen, Alex, and April. This summer I've found myself truly becoming into the person I've been shaping myself to be. This summer I've become.. me. I've evolved, again, into someone I feel better being. This summer I've been able to let go of the things holding me back. I've been able to let go of every wrong doing and poisonous auras. So as you all know, and I'm sure have seen coming, I'd like to thank everyone for taking this journey with me. I'd like to thank the most important of my Boston Family, including but not limited to the following people:
Miranda
Caryn
Cory
Naoko
Cassie
Maureen
Derek
Chris
April
Christine
Eugene
Tony
Frida
Tracey
Joe
Jen
and last but not least, my adorable little kitten, Mr. Muffins.

Thank you, guys. =)!

ps. I'd like to thank Claudio and Mariangela for being the two greatest people who introduce a city to a girl. I'd like to thank Claudio for being my first friend in Boston. I'd like to thank Maria for everything. More specifically, I'd like to thank Maria for telling me to pay attention when she played Kelly Clarkson's Break Away back in 2004/2005. Thank you. Thank you guys so much.

You Kiss Me, I'll Kiss You Back

2008-09-11T11:16:00.011-04:00

"Promiscuous makes an entrance.
her mouth is full of questions,
"are we all brides to be?"
"are we all designed to be confined; buy ourselves chastity belts and lock them?
organize our lives and lose the key?"
our faces all resemble dying roses from trying to fix it.
trying to fix it.
when instead we should break it.
we've got to break it before it breaks us."
-Metric: Patriarch on a Vespa

I guess you could say that I tend to be promiscuous. I like sex and if I want it, I will almost go out of my way to get it. I'm a big girl. I'm in charge of my life. I get what I want. And when I don't, I simply get second best and find other modes to fill the void that may or may not be growing within me. With that said, I will quote a friend who said to me, "He sounds like a consolation prize." and I laughed realizing I'd never looked at it that way.
Its interesting to see that the people who know me best, or at least understand me best, are the ones that play the same dirty little game I play. And what happens when both parties are coy, flirtatious and incredibly sexual? An incredible night of Do What You Want To Me.
So he dared me to come over. I surprised us both when I showed up, ipod in hand- condoms in bag. And although his kiss isn't as sweet as what I'm used to, its still incredibly passionate and his gentle nature with me amuses me to no end. For someone who historically holds back little its almost amusing that with me, he's gentle and darling although we both know I'm just waiting for him to make me scream while he fcks my brains out. And yes, there is no denying that I love being told what to do and getting the occasional light punishment.
I spent the night with him, as I've done before. I woke up pushed to the end of the bed while he laid dead smack in the middle of it. I giggled to myself about it. I got out of bed, brushed my teeth and left.

I do this cause I love it, okay?

2008-09-04T23:36:00.002-04:00

Today was the longest day I've had in ages.
It starts at 630. Waking up tired, sad, and quite vulnerable. Knowing that I let down Prince Charming was killing me. Telling Prince Charming that I wanted to be his Latina Princessa was quite draining, liquidly speaking. I do my routine, do something out of routine. I get my coffee, drink most of it on the first train, the rest waiting for my second train, thinking about last night, next week, the 20th, this past week, all summer. I get to work and Princess Bitter Mocha is sitting next to Tres Leches. Princess Bitter Mocha has been quite a bitch to me the past few weeks; giving me the silent treatment, snapping at me when unnecessary, giving me the silent treatment. Basically being really mature. So I work my shift. Its busy, we're short staffed, and as La Reina Rubia knows, its quite frustrating working a busy short staffed day especially when someone like Princess Bitter Mocha refuses to do their job right. It makes you want to punch a baby.
So there we were, La Latina Princessa and La Reina Rubia, half an hour after we were suppose to be long gone, trying to wrap up the fucktard that became of our shifts. Walking out, exhausted but ready and waiting to laugh.
really, if i was gonna be stuck late with anyone at work today, i'm glad it was you, kiddo.

They've Defined Love

2008-08-29T22:29:00.004-04:00

Due to recent events, as recent as 25 minutes ago, I decided to look up FTW. It's Friday and I am home alone. I've watched tv, I've watched a movie, I have tried to call back everyone I've needed to, I even tried to drink a beer but I fell asleep leaving it to cool after drinking a quarter of it. FTW = dance time and I need it. Granted, yes, tomorrow I am suppose to go out to basstown with Alex but a. I want to dance now and b. Nothings guaranteed in life. Essentially, he could wake up tomorrow morning and be sick or busy or just not want to hang out and then I'd be fucked cause I'd have no one to go to basstown with.
While looking up FTW I also decided to look down my comments wall and either delete stupid comments or respond to a few. I responded to a very sweet comment that Veronica wrote on my wall May 26th. Its very darling and I totally appreciate it. I know I responded before but being able to look back and see the great things people have wished you is wonderful. Its like a little mini-self esteem boost to keep you going and driven. After that I decided to stop by Danielles page and see what new stuff she had up. (You can find her as Negro D on my friends list.) The girl is totally cool and has a pretty sick style. The song she has playing is bomb. Bump by Spank Rock. So I'm looking at her page and I see PLUR as her friends. This is something I've seen around a lot and I'd forgotten what it meant. I looked it up to better define and, in case the rest of you don't know, it stands for Peace Love Unity Respect. Wikipedia claims its part of Rave Culture. Basically its the mantra to Rave Culture. In the 90s it was known as LPE, or Love Peace Ecstasy, but with the stigma that the word Ecstasy has it was altered to PLUR. It also makes sure to mention that Rave Culture is more about PLUR than drugs which made me happy to hear. If any of you have been to a good Techno Jam, you know that its the music and keeps you driven and with a relatively dry history I am secure when I say I don't need x or any other substance to have a good techno dance, to be energized by the rhythms of the night. I say techno jam because, well, have I technically been to a rave? No so I can't pretend I know what I'm talking about through experience.
In the Wikipedia article it goes on to define each word of the acronym. The first being Peace, wikitionary explains that peace is a state of tranquility, quiet, or harmony. Most related to Rave culture, I would be bold as to claim that harmony in personal relations. would be a more accurate and relative statement. Secondly, that the most important part of this blog, is that wikipedia has defined Love, at least in the PLUR sense, as "Acts and feelings of goodwill towards all others are morally imperative with their own rewards." I thought it was interestingly broad enough of a term to cover what Love is. Amusing to think that some go their entire lives searching for love. That most think they know what love is and truly have either a very little idea or their actions don't match their words/thoughts/feelings. Going into better detail, wiktionary defines love as an intense feeling of affection and care towards another person. Well, I guess I literally couldn't have put it better. If you ask me what love is, I wouldn't be able to tell you. And although I can write a lot and talk more, the idea of putting words to a feeling almost kills the very essence of it. I can show you love. I can give you love. I can even ask for it but I wouldn't be able to define, in my words, what love truly is.
The article goes on to define Unity as the feeling of connectedness with others is the ultimate end to our efforts. How darling and beautiful. It reminds me of something Emily Haines once said. She said she couldn't understand how other people use their music to set them aside. She said to her its about bringing people together. How much she loves it when she sees that a song like Hey Ya can unite so many. The fact that as a community, whether a small one in an apartment, or an entire nation, can come together and connect over something is inspiring and worth the effort.
The article also defines Respect as a person must show regard for the feelings of other through their actions and inaction.
This rabbit hole has got me thinking. Isn't PLUR what life is suppose to be all about? About respecting one another, the love and unity people can share, and most importantly, respect amongst all creatures and beings?

What a darling life.

Wrong Signals

2008-08-22T15:10:00.001-04:00

So yesterday was a long day. Thursdays usually are; they're my twelve hour work days. no biggie. i love my job so its all good in the hood. by the time 6 comes around, i don't even realize the time. ask my boss lol.
so yesterday my friend calls me and it sounds like he wants to chill. the kids cool, whatever. no big deal so i'm down to hang out. he has a few things he has to do before he goes out for the night, i'm like, "cool. call me when you're near." i take a nap on his cab ride over, he calls, we meet up, get a beer. this is where the night turns to areyoufckingmeville. he comes over, we're playing on the lappy, sharing really funny videos and shit. no big deal. next thing i know he tries to kiss me.. which isn't really offensive at all. its flattering, really. but the dude has a girlfriend who he's on and off with. let me state, for the record, that i'm not cool with being anyone's rebound. i dont wanna be the girl you go to when you and your significant other get in a fight. i'm just not down for it. so i pull back, push him away a little, and say "dude, you have a girl." so the rest of the night, which wasn't that long, was a nice little bout of me saying "not interested. you have a girlfriend." and him telling me that he wants to fck me, which, once again, isn't offensive, its flattering, but i'm not interested. so then he looks at me, trying to explain (insert eye roll here) on why he thinks we should get it on. (second eye roll here) he goes on about how we have "crazy vibes" and that it seems like it would be "amazing" i ask, "when is sex not fun?" he says "i haven't had fun in a long time." i say "maybe you should stop going back to her." i'm realizing, during all of this, that he probably shouldn't be around me because i'm one of those people that believe in "tough love" and i won't necessarily take it easy on you unless you really really need it. i just believe in manning up and getting over it. so then he says "something tells me you're not looking for a relationship or commitment." which kind of felt like a slap in the face because.. well, i am. and i realize then that the reason why i'm probably still single (among others, i'm sure) is because i don't necessarily throw that vibe it. its because i can be loud and i have a lot of fun. i'm usually really casual and i like to talk a lot of shit except you know when i'm talking shit and when i'm being serious. i like to kid around a lot and apparently being that cool and casual sends out the wrong signals? i'm not even sure. anyway. that was my awesome and amazing thursday night.
i can't wait for the fall.

i had a bad day again...

2008-08-20T21:18:00.003-04:00

this week was a tough week for me. i don't know how to explain the doldrums i shared space with but maybe the colors blue, gray, and black can do it justice. this week i worried about slipping into a depression. i worried about the possibility of needing a medical intervention and the sad reality of that. i finally let myself sob this week. the last time i sobbed so hard the man of my dreams broke my heart. i tried to medicate it with a bit of an herbal remedy but instead found myself crying on the closet floor, which i guess is better than the bathroom or kitchen floor; both of them being rather dirty.
thursday night i got nervous. i had a standing date of sorts with an old lover whose name i shall keep silent and unwritten. we were set to meet at back bay station, half past seven, and then go get a coffee and walk. i was nervous to see him. the last time i'd done so, i'd spent the happiest and yet most serious 8 hours of my life with him. i fought back the urge to cry; his presence, history, and affection generally make me want to do so. we met for coffee, both of us on time, took the train past downtown, and walked. we talked of our present and future situations, both of us nervous and, if i may say so, dreading them. his more serious than mine. mine with about a cup more of heartbreak and a pinch more of desperation. we sat on the concrete bench, staring at the ocean, both of us fighting the urge to experience the comfort that accompanies the kisses we share. my most sincerest. the man is in a hard place. the idea of running away and taking the future together sounds glamourous and quite pleasuresome; such things will never happen. i let him read a bit of writing i'd written about him, about our first kiss. such truths he hadn't heard before though the man knows me better than i'm willing to admit at times. the lucky bastard's yet to see me cry.
our encounter left me inside of myself. the rest of the weekend i kept my voice rather silent. ditching the eye contact of my friends, looking for an out, an excuse to everything. i kept my agreements in hopes of lifting my spirits but i found myself thinking of this rather heartbreaking situation i've found myself in. i found myself exhausted of this single life; craving the comfort of a relationship. i've found myself wishing that a kiss and some love could come my way and i could hold onto it as much as possible. i've found myself crying over my previous crimes of love and the heartbreaks i've cause. regretting so much of what i said and did. hoping that one day, i could make right and make up for the bs i've done. so any person i've ever hurt, upset or let down, from the bottom of my heart, with my sincerest and truest available to you, a thousand apologies.

from confetti to rain

2008-08-15T00:22:00.003-04:00

from confetti to rain,
from confetti to rain
you keep cryin all over me
you keep cryin all over me.

when you're happy or sad,
when you're joyful or mad,
you keep cryin all over me.
you keep cryin all over me.

all i ever wanted

2008-08-13T21:46:00.003-04:00

if you wanted, if you needed more you could've asked for it
(you could've asked for it)
if you wanted, if you needed more you should've asked for it
(you should've asked for it)

if you wanted more of me, if you needed more of me
if you needed to know the truth
well, you should've asked.
if you wanted to know, if you needed to hear it
i could've told you.

if you wanted, if you needed more, i could've handled it
(i could've handled it)
if you wanted, if you needed more, i would've given it.
(you know i would've given it!)

and now you walk around, ask around of how i'm doin
and now you walk around, ask around of how i'm feelin
but i don't know what to tell you, honey
i don't know what you want to hear
all i know is that everyday, everyday
i wish you were near

(if you wanted,) if you needed more you could've asked for it.
(i could've asked for it)
if you wanted, if you needed more i could've handled it
(i could've handled it)

all i ever wanted was to tell you
all i ever wanted was to scream
all i ever wanted was to be hushed by your lips.
all i wanted was for you to kiss me.
all i ever wanted was to tell you
all i ever wanted was to hear
all i ever wanted
all i ever wanted
all i ever wanted
all i ever wanted

all i ever wanted
all i ever wanted
all i ever wanted
all i ever wanted
(i love you)
all i ever wanted
all i ever wanted
(i loved you)
all i ever wanted
all i ever wanted
(i love you)
all i ever wanted
all i ever wanted
all i ever wanted
all i ever wanted
was you

i know

2008-08-13T18:06:00.002-04:00

i know you're tired of my letters to you. i know you're tired of being the person i write to and for. you're the only one that gets the truest part of me. you're to only one i never get tired of pouring my heart out to. i miss you desperately. i just wish we could go back to you and me.

i miss you darling. i really do. come be my mr. big again. come sweep me up and i'll follow you anywhere you please. i'll leave this coast for you. i'll follow you to alaska, australia, south africa, japan, wherever. just come be with me.

the story of who we used to be

2008-08-11T22:40:00.004-04:00

he was the man of my dreams
with his dark hair and eyes
and he was everything i thought i wanted.

we fought for a couple years
him offending mine
and i knew what to say back.

and i find myself in territories
and i find myself in regret
i find myself holding you back.

he waltzed into the ballroom
his suit was pressed tight
and he knew what to say to get me going.

he put his hand on my chin
he looked right in my eyes
and he said, " my love, your heart is showing."

and i found myself charting familiar territories
i found myself living of dreams of the past
i found myself holding on to the cutting glass.

and now old age has hit me
and he remains this same
with his dark hair and eyes

he wakes in the morning
drinking his coffee, reading the news
and i just write my songs about the blues

If I could give you more time

2008-07-28T17:42:00.002-04:00

If I could give you more time
I'd gladly throw it on the board for you.
If I could press Rewind
I couldn't do it cause I love you, too.

So tell me what the next step is.
Tell me what you think that I should do.
I'm tired of making all of my life's decisions.
All I know is that I want you.

Our Hell - Emily Haines

2008-07-28T00:38:00.003-04:00

I wrote a song to the melody of this song.
The greatness that is Emily Haines is completely amazing and irreplaceable.. Her music makes it possible to unravel and still keep ones dignity. Her voice is almost haunting; like a dream thats lingered on for days and hides in the background of everything you do.
This song is called Our Hell.
I hope you like it.

Tired Of Mr. Right Now

2008-07-27T22:10:00.002-04:00

I feel like I'm coming into this new era of my life where I want something more than casual dating. The funny thing is, I never really want casual dating but I settle for it because I don't want to have to prepare myself for actually fully being there all of the time. It's almost depressing and all I can think is "lame. i can't believe i'm this girl."

I'm dating this guy who's great and amazing. I really like him. He makes me laugh, we're affectionate, all I can think about is kissing him and being sweet with him. It's really what takes up my mind half of the time, but its so taxing on me that we have this, what seems to be, great relationship except it's titleless and he says he "doesn't want anything serious" so I'm finding myself feeling bad about doing things and just really questioning whether my actions are honorable. Sometimes they aren't but then I think, "Well, he's not my fucking boyfriend anyway, so whatever." which is simply a cop out and I know it.

So now I'm being all emo and I'm finding myself having to actually say the words, "I love you, but you need to shit or get off the pot." I can't believe I'm in this situation but at the same time, I should've seen it coming. Usually I feel more tortured than this but right now I'm just blank. I don't know what's going to happen. All I can say is that I love being with him but I'm catching feelings and I want more. So... That is my recent dilemma.

Business Oriented: My boss is leaving (boo) and I will HOPEFULLY be cutting back on some hours. I am trying getting a second job as a massage therapist and if I do, it means I'll be cutting back at Planned Parenthood. It's kind of sad but at the same time, I know it'll be worth it. I'm just scared to see how it'll work because its quite possible that I won't be getting much business at first and all of that good stuff. Also, it's so scary because it's something I've never done before. I've yet to be paid for a treatment. I don't know what that feels like but I'm excited to know.

Creatively speaking, I wrote a little song about infidelity and the confession of it. I don't think its finished at all but it's all I got for now. So... This is it, folks:

I felt it, his fingers touched my body.

His eyes looked so excited.

I swear the room fell silent.

He felt just like a virtue

Everything he said was true.

I never meant to hurt you

but I thought honesty was due.

But when he kissed me on my shoulder

I knew then that it was over.

I stayed still just like a boulder.

And he thought I was colder

So then he made his way closer.

We're a Clean House

2008-07-16T07:21:00.003-04:00

Really. We are. Once a week we all take turns cleaning a category of the house. The categories are: Living Room and Studio, Halls and Mud Room, Bathrooms, Kitchen. Our apartment is pretty big. Its fucking awesome! We have two floors, four bedrooms, a living room, a studio, a mud room, huge eat in kitchen, two porches, and a washer and dryer in the bathroom. I mean it. For city living... this is a fucking STEAL!.... So why isn't our apartment cleaner?

I don't mean to moan, especially since my roommates are amazing and I love each of them to pieces, but sometimes I feel like the only one that does some chores. For example, I often feel like the only one who scrubs the tub and actually DEEP cleans the kitchen. This could be because there are FOUR GIRLS living in one space and, well, in a week, there's a lot of mess. I mean, we actually cook.. like... real food, not that microwave shit. But still. I think last night was the only night where I was like "omg" simply because I washed the wall behind the trash can. Yeah. I know. You guys don't think to get to that place. You just don't "think" of it. While we women... well.. those of us that clean well, won't forget that. And if one of you makes some Sexist and ignorant little comment like, "Well, women have a cleaning gene," like Eugene did, I'll make sure to hit you with a nice blunt object. =c)

Anyway. Thats my rant for today...... this morning at least...

BYE!

...... and an hour later::

oh yes. the whole reason for my post was to bitch and moan about the fact that i woke up at 7 on my day off because there was a fly in the house yesterday that flew into my room today and it was trying to get out but unsuccessfully kept flying into my fcking window. that was it!

The End Of Me

2008-07-13T22:35:00.000-04:00

I'm letting go of my reality

I'm letting go of all I know

I'm giving to everything

I hope that this will help me grow.

You are my, you are my,

You are my dearest, greatest person.

You are my, You are my,

You are my love. my love. my love.

I can't wait to see you

Every time I know I'm an hour away.

I can't wait to be near you.

I hope you know I won't stray.

You are my, you are my,

You are my favorite person.

You are my, you are my,

You are my love, my love, my love.

I am breaking apart because of you.

I know you know, you're not clueless.

I know cause I know you.

And when we see each other from now on

I can't promise I'll be good.

When we see each other from now on,

I'll act strange cause I'm near you. I'm near you.

You are my, you are my,

You are my dearest friend.

You are my, you are my,

You are my end. My end. My end.

Make Yourself

2008-07-10T23:37:00.000-04:00

So I'm sitting in my bed writing this and I know that I'll have to go downstairs to actually post it.

What has happened in the past few weeks of my life? Well, aside from graduating, I've gotten a raise, joined a gym, lost my router power and found out that Bank Of America is sending me to court and i have no power over it. Oh well. It's not that I'm being irresponsible or careless but I am horrible at handling my finances. Last year was a really hard year for me, financially speaking, and, well, I'm paying for it now and will probably continue to for a couple years to come. Oh well. Life comes at you fast and when its out of your control, you just hang on and ride the wave. So says the girl who has never been on a surf board. Does getting your ass beat my a wave count as riding it? Well who cares what you think, naysayers?

Other than that, I've been doing pretty good. I've been trying to wrap my head around the fact that I graduated and now I have to purchase my liability insurance so I can then apply for my license as a body worker. Then after that, I can hopefully get a job and work so I can take my certification. Other things on my professional list include getting CPR Certified again, taking courses in Reiki, Pre-Natal Massage, Zero Balancing, and of course, getting hired! Speaking of, the gym I've become a member to (www.healthworksfitness.com) is my dream job. So Lauren Glatzer, if you see this, give me an interview. I promise it won't be a waste of your time.

Also, after weeks of silence I got back in touch with an old.. flame? that I haven't spoken to in a bit. Calling him a flame feels strange but there is no true one-word explanation to what he was. He was.. the hardest non-relationship I've ever had. I seriously cried over this guy and held my tongue back so many times that I trapped myself into being this submissive quiet person that I'm not. It felt so awful and it bums me out when I think about how much I gave for nothing in return. -- So I talked to him this week and he gave me a whine and a moan. It was so infuriating to see someone I knew try and pull that "I'm a good guy so naturally I finish last." bullshit. I almost screamed when he said that because all I could think was "you're not that great of a guy. actually, you're kind of a fucking asshole who likes to put himself in ridiculous positions and then cry about how fucking hard your life is on you. maybe, just maybe, if you didn't do stupid shit, stupid shit wouldn't happen to you. maybe if you were better to other people ::cough cough:: karma wouldn't kick you down and beat you with an iron crow bar you dipshit!" Which is kind of shitty to say but honestly, I feel like its a lot of peoples problems. They walk around welcoming all of this bullshit and then when it hits, they moan and piss and cry about it. Maybe, you should run your life to what you think is right. And maybe, when shit gets hard, you tough it out. Maybe, my dear friends, maybe you should Make Yourself.

Welcome

2008-07-06T08:34:00.000-04:00

Welcome Welcome Welcome.

Bienvenidos a mi blog.

okay. thats all the spanish i'm crackin out tonight... well, today. its 8:38 am on sunday, july 6th. i am currently on my way to boston from new york city. i can't wait to get home and crash in my bed. i can't wait to crank that ac, rip my jeans off, and walk around in undies and tank. hm. life is beautiful.

so now that ive revealed that i like not wearing pants. i guess this is a good time to introduce myself. lets do this assembly-style. you, people on the interwebz = crowd. me = awkward girl in front of podium.

hi. my names angie. i'm 23. i'm a gemini (which just means i just had my birthday and i'm quick to flip a script) aside from that, i also just graduated school to be a muscular therapist. i work at planned parenthood. i'm a wicked feminist aka i'm feminasty. i live in boston. i'm from kissimmee, florida. and i'll kick your ass internetz style.... aka if you get me mad, i will write or blog about you. i will make you feel feelings with my deep emo-poetry. just sayin.

so back to the real reason why i decided to start writing today. today, as i said, is the 6th of july. the whole reason i came to ny was to visit family for our great american holiday. except, i'm dominican, so our version of celebrating a great american holiday is to have a cook out with two different kinds of potato salad, three green salads, moro, arroz con guandules, arroz con vegetables, two different pernils, flan, bizcocho, y tu querido hot dog o hamburger. the only thing missing: corn, pastelitos, yuca y platano. yum. how dominican was that?

so, yes, the celebration of our nation. yay hancock & co. thanks for, um, signing that declaration. that.. rocked. hardcore. because this is a country where i can be as much of a feminasty as i wanna be. and where i can openly talk about sex and claim it to be my freedom of speech. this is a country where you see a fried chicken joint next to a "7 Grains Health Food" store... thank you Harlem. =c)

So this is where it all starts. my emotional rambling and bits of thank you. You will learn that I am forever thankful to so many people for so much and i often dedicate writings to my friends in appreciation for everything they do.

So this time last year i found out that i didn't get the transfer i wanted and it broke my heart. this time last year i decided to end my four year long career at starbucks. i decided that i just couldn't deal with management and if i couldn't get a simple transfer as a barista, then i would be throwing up the peace signs and saying a big "fuck you. i'm ready to move on. thanks anyway." needless to say, i was really hurt and upset. all i wanted was this transfer. that company had been so good to me and for me that i wanted to hold onto it as long as i could but some things aren't worth fighting for. so i remember the coming home, the getting the news, the drinking my way into oblivion. i remember going to the esplanade the next day, july 4th, and buying three bottles of wine. i remember sitting on the grass and bitching bitterly about it all. i remember saying "this is the end. its a new beginning" and making the pure acknowledgment that sweet baby jesus things were gonna change and its because i wanted it. so as those fireworks went off, so did my heart. and i stood there, tear in eyes, aware of the big change that was coming and ready to end an old era and accept a new one. the way this made my heart race was such a way that i hadn't felt in years. the inspiration at the moment still inspires me a year later. and knowing that everything was, indeed, going to get a lot better, was just so great.

so here i am. a year later. working for a federation that i could only have dreamed to work for. graduated. living in a big city with great roommates. independent and yet still so supported.